reLENTless

Go big or go home.

Or...

try something different?

My goals for Lent were a bit ambitious. A lot ambitious. I only lasted about 34 hours.
I'll let you guess which one of those resolutions I broke first.

But I don't feel to bad about it. I'm not Catholic anyway.

Instead of finding a new way to deprive myself, I'm just going to try and be better person. So I made some new resolutions that I'm mostly going to keep to myself. Except for this one. We had a lesson about morality in institute. I know, I know. But it was actually a really good lesson!

There are a lot of negative influences that we can't avoid. It's not a matter of choice, they are just always there. We'll think of those influences as pollution or second hand smoke. The only way to 100% escape those influences is to totally separate yourself from the world and become a reclusive hermit.

But other things are choices. We choose what media we'll "ingest". We choose (for the most part) how we'll use our bodies. We choose how we'll react to situations that are out of our control. When we choose something that's wrong, it's like doing double-damage. It's like choosing to light up a cigarette in an already smoke-filled room.

ANYWAY.
Starting today, I'm really going to try and be more discerning about my choices. I haven't set any real hard rules about it, except I'm not allowed to watch Gossip Girl, Glee, or New Girl. I have a destructive relationship with those three shows, and I need it to stop.

I know guys. I'm really sad about it too. But we're just not good for each other.

Don't worry! I'm going to watch Psych instead because it is popular, innoffensive, funny, and uncomplicated.

Oh boy.

Too good.

I am now addicted to THESE:

They are too good to be true. I ate a whole package in one sitting and thought, 

"Oh no! The whole package?!? That's sixty calories!!!!"

And then I remembered. 60 calories is not much at all.

But these little guys are not cheap. 

So if anyone would send some my way, I'd be most appreciative.

"A dream pang" - Robert Frost

Listen

A DREAM PANG

I had withdrawn in forest, and my song

Was swallowed up in leaves that blew away;

And to the forest edge you came one day

(This was my dream) and looked and pondered long,

But did not enter, though the wish was strong:

You shook your pensive head as who should say,

"I dare not---too far in his footsteps stray---

He must seek me would he undo the wrong."

Not far, but near, I stood and saw it all

Behind low boughs the trees let down outside;

And the sweet pang it cost me not to call

And tell you that I saw does still abide.

But 'tis not true that thus I dwelt aloof,

For the wood wakes, and you are here for proof.

It's a date.

I'm all about Tennis right now.

"We could be good but we don't live the way that we should
Constantly told we're imperfect and cannot be good
Tired of waiting around for you to intervene
Tired of wishing that you even knew what I mean."

Hey you. Consider this an intervention. 

Tennis will be playing at Urban Lounge on April 24th. 

We are going.

LENT: Let's crank it up a notch.

Hello my fellow penitents,

Last year for Lent, I gave up Facebook. It didn't quite have the affect I had hoped for. I replaced one time-waster with another, spending countless hour on Hype Machine, the Huffington Post, and making never-to-be-fulfilled wishlists on the Anthropologie and J. Crew websites. So this year, I'm going to crank it up a notch.

1. I will stop eating bad stuff. Nothing fried, no added sugar, and no foods with ingredients whose names I cannot pronounce. BUT...I will be allowed to eat whatevs I want on Sunday. I'd say that's pretty reasonable.

2. I will stop sleeping by waking up at 7:00 every weekday morning. Ew.


3. I will stop flipping off inanimate objects.
Let me explain. Most of the time, I think flipping stuff off is funny. I guess I've been desensitized after laughing through this show and going to Real Salt Lake games. But there have been a couple times where I was the recipient of a ...bird flipping? And it was not funny at all. I actually felt very embarrassed and wanted to cry. Yep. I cry when people get mad at me. It doesn't happen often. Anyway, now that I'm an adult, I need to be a little more appropriate. I commonly flip off:
- treacherous, icy sidewalks
- stoplights that refuse to turn green
- MY COMPUTER. Like, all the time
But I'm worried this habit will become so engrained into my character, that it will cross over to real life. Even though flipping the bird makes me feel careless and edgy, I need to find a suitable substitute.

Hope your Lent is a thoughtful one!

"Revelation" - Robert Frost

REVELATION

We make ourselves a place apart

     Behind light words that tease and flout,

But oh, the agitated heart

     Til someone find us really out.

'Tis pity if the case require

     (Or so we say) that in the end

We speak the literal to inspire

     The understanding of a friend.

But with all, from babes that play

     At hide-and-seek to God afar,

So all who hide too well away

     Must speak and tell us where they are.

Mini Valentines Mix: Love Flood

Just a little mini-mix to start your day!

I imagine this is what real love feels like. How nice.

1. Ho Hey - The Lumineers
2. Something In the Water - Brooke Fraser
3. Who Knew - You Won't
4. Bright Whites - Kishi Bashi
5. Love Made Me Drunk - Gregory Page


NOTES:
1. Thanks to Katie for this one.
2. And thanks to Jade and Katie (again) for this one.
3. Thanks to myself for this one. I'm too in love with these boys:
          "If I was Marty McFly,
           I would go back to when we were nine, or ten.
          And I'd be your best friend,
          Say that I knew you when."
So adorbs.
4. Kishi Bashi. WOW. Remember when I caught him at Sondre Lerche over the summer? I'm very, very glad I braved D.C. alone to make it to that show. More than worth it. He is awesome.

5. I stumbled upon this song accidentally. Perfect.

What are you plans for Valentines Day?

I'll be hanging out with Chloe Sevigny:

I love how she says "Skrillex"at 0:47.

Actually. I won't be doing any of those things. If I get brave enough, I'll be at the 

Sacred Harp Sing-in Episcopal Church in Provo.

You know, like in Cold Mountain.

I'm hoping it will be just like this:

The Sacred Harp 245 Claremont from Xuology on Vimeo.

"Parting. To ---"

PARTING. TO ---

I dreamed the setting sun would rise no more. 

My spirit fled; nor sought an aimless sun

Whirled madly on through pathless space, and free

Amid a world of worlds enthralled. Ah no!

But deep within ta silent solitude

It lingered on. The twilight waned; across

The hills and dark'ning sky the west wind stole

And broad-cast spread the sun-path gathered gold,

Undying memories of the hopeless dead. 

The dew of sadness fell, and far into 

The coming night of storm and calm I gazed.

Oh, sadness, who may tell what joy is thine?

A whisper breathed: "What lies unvoiced on earth 

Is heaven sung." And gloom crept softly down

With longing deep as everlasting night.

B-BALL SKILLZ

Some of my family members are really good at sports.

My cousin Steven with those hot, yellow shoes playing for a team in Greece:



My cousin Stilman playing for UNC:



Yeah, I just wanted to brag a bit.

I am not a brand. I repeat, I am not a brand.

At the orientation in L.A. for my job, we talked about Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. It's a pretty retro (I've heard some say outdated) psychological construct that looks something like this:

We talked about this construct in terms of poverty (when you're basic needs aren't bet, it's hard to reach your full potential). But for many of us, we're doing "ok", at least in terms of basic needs. Which means we have plenty of time for the last couple sections: Esteem, and Sefl-actualization. Which should be awesome. Except we're kind of lazy.

I am, at least.

I watched Groundhog's Day last night, which teaches (if you are to believe Bill Murray), that given enough time, most people will turn out good. They reach self-actualization, and work for the betterment of all. 

I hope that it's true. 

But lately when I've had loads of time, I've spent it on pretty worthless pursuits.

I'm also worried that I, and a lot of people I know, have been kind of confused with what self-actualization really means.

Namely, we think that we are commodities.

We measure self-actualization in a different way:

- By the number of our twitter, blog, or tumblr followers

- How many "likes," "+1's" and comments we have.

- The pervasiveness of our online presence, while staying illusive and mysterious in really 

So for a lot of us, self-actualization is instead achieved when we've created a marketable and enviable lifestyle. Your value can literally me calculated if you monetize your YouTube account, blog, or website.

Pretty much, I'm just trying to say what this woman said on her website a couple years ago in a more succinct way. Here is her manifesto:

The internet is made of people. People matter. This includes you. Stop trying to sell everything about yourself to everyone. Don’t just hammer away and repeat and talk at people—talk TO people. It’s organic. Make stuff for the internet that matters to you, even if it seems stupid. Do it because it’s good and feels important. Put up more cat pictures. Make more songs. Show your doodles. Give things away and take things that are free. Look at what other people are doing, not to compete, imitate, or compare . . . but because you enjoy looking at the things other people make. Don’t shove yourself into that tiny, airless box called a brand—tiny, airless boxes are for trinkets and dead people.

So basically what inspired this post was a video of myself looking ridiculous and it makes me laugh revery time I watch it.

And I wasn't going to share it with you.

Why? 

Because it would hurt my brand.

BUT I AM NOT A BRAND!!!!!

So I will share this embarrassing video and we will watch it and laugh together and feel foolish and it will be great. 

Kind of a long-winded post for such a short video, don't you think? 

HA. Totally worth it though. Am I right, or am I right?

February Mix: "Everything goes my way"

A mix for you.

1. Messages - Xavier Rudd
2. Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie
3. I Need My Girl (Live) - The National
4. Abducted - Cults
5. Caroline - Alex Clare
6. Play With Fire - The Rolling Stones
7. Breaking Down - Florence and The Machine
8. Where Is My Mind? (The Pixies cover) - Sunday Girl
9. I'm Loving Nothing - The Impressions
10. Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford and Sons
11. Suzanne - Nina Simone
12. Everything Goes My Way - Metronomy
13. Odyssey - OVERWERK
14. And I Love Her (Allure Remix) - The Beatles
15. Interior of a dutch house - Beirut
16. End of the Movie - Cake

LINER NOTES:
2. You may remember this song from this video.
6. I'm super into Mick Jagger in this video. Example, 0:54-0:57 you think he's going to smile! ...then he doesn't. Just kills me. So much staring. So much moody. And then in this video, the slow snap at 0:52...maybe it's a good thing I wasn't a teenager while the Rolling Stones were big. I would have gone crazy.

Project Grown-up

Oh hey.

I'm back from California, obvs. And back to real life.

So this VISTA thing I'm doing is kind of  big deal.
All the people there seem so... competent. And I feel so... not.

Everyone is assuring me that they all felt the same way. You have to battle through the first few weeks, teaching yourself what to do and relying on the kindness of others.

But I still feel a bit anxious. And it's unsettling to be able to come home, and not worry about tests, or essays, or studying. Super weird.

And I never thought I would ever work in an office; but now I'll be in one everyday. Time sheets, lunch breaks, dress codes... what are those?

Also, I'm in a new, fancy apartment (the nicest I've ever been in, for sure), with a private room and a walk-in closet and a queen size bed and a tv WITH SATELLITE. It's all very unnatural. I don't know if I like this grown-up thing.

So basically what I'm saying, is this is a lot to take in.

And I may have started tearing up when I heard the first 5 seconds of this song, simply because of the summer night sounds with crickets chirping.

And then I listened to this song, and that just made it so, so much worse.



But also better too. Songs like this usually make me feel better in a way.

So here's to the official beginning of my adulthood.
This week I will be :

1. Starting my one-year of service with United Way
2. Turning 25. 
3. Freaking out on a regular basis

Cheers.