Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts

Monday, November 5, 2018

Don't miss the election

I revisited the ol' blog back in July and found this forgotten draft from before the election:

"When the election has ended, one candidate will come out victorious. But that doesn't mean their supporters or detractor will dissapear. Friends, neighbors, and strangers will still be there. Ways of thinking will still be there. Those core beliefs and issues will still need to be met, challenged, debated and considered. Our work won't end on November 8th, it should be just beginning."

At the time, I was confident of a Hilary Clinton win, and anxious to leave the sideshow of the election in the past. Opinion pieces were saying that they were ready for the election to be over so that there could be some sort of return to normalcy. Reading these old op-eds are a strange sort of time travel, and living history lessons. I hope I can learn from that past.

I was sitting in a GRE math prep class the day of the election. One kids mentioned he was winning Florida, and then more chimed in with updates, and I just started crying and had to leave. I sat at home alone, and put my wasted "I Voted" sticker on a framed print in my living room.


It's still there. It was supposed to serve as a reminder not to be complacent, but it hasn't really worked. We have a chance tomorrow to do something about it. Let's try.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

A Bright Sadness

On the trail
03-07-2016
2016 has been off to a rough start. Had a mental break-down in the middle of volunteering for the Sundance Film Festival. Crawled through an anxiety-riddled 29th birthday. Tried turning things around and made some progress, but got chewed out by a therapist (?!) and ended up feeling pretty miserable. Not to mention exuding a general coldness towards the people I care about most.

Sorry, world!

This is probably too much to divulge onto the internet, but I'm hoping it would provide some context. Things are getting better. I've been blessed by surprise opportunities and patient friends. It can just be a struggle to keep perspective.

I was asked to speak at church a couple weeks ago and gave my talk on Easter Sunday. I generally take whatever assignment I'm given and try to combine it with whatever I've been thinking about lately. I try and write the talk that I wish I could hear.

So, here it is! Hope it brings some Hope.


A Bright Sadness


For the past several years, I have given up something for Lent. Lent in primarily observed in Catholic and Orthodox Christian traditions and covers a period of 40 days beginning on Ash Wednesday and ending on Holy Saturday. In the past, I’ve given up social media, sugar, and sleep, with varying degrees of success. This year, I gave up meat, and was thrilled that the ward chose to celebrate the last day of Lent with me by providing bacon after we finished cleaning the church yesterday.

But along with my small chosen sacrifice for the season, I also attempted to better understand the tradition of Lent and what it means to our fellow Christians. The Greek Orthodox theologian, Alexander Schmemann describes this season as a “bright sadness”. It is meant as a time of fasting and sacrifice where we contemplate the situation of man in a fallen world. As a consequence of the fall, we will all experience sadness and hardship. Sin is often the main cause our estrangement from God. Trials and challenges may also lead us to think that we have been abandoned or that there is not hope for us. I am sure that many of us have felt that type of sadness at some point in our lives. But the main message of Lent and of the gospel as a whole, is that despite the darkness that sometimes surrounds us, we can find hope in the Savior. This hope comes through understanding the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

All are invited to partake of Christ’s atonement. No burden is too heavy and no circumstance is too bleak. And while we have seen of late how easy it is to segregate ourselves in the world and pit ourselves against one another, the good news of the gospel of invites us all to come unto him despite our differences.

… for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and hi inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.

How is Christ able to promise succor to all God’s children? It is through the miracle of the atonement. All of us are in need of intercession as a consequence of the fall. In the Doctrine and Covenants, it outlines how we became separated from our Heavenly Father:

40 Wherefore, it came to pass that the devil tempted Adam, and he partook of the forbidden fruit and transgressed the commandment, wherein he became subject to the will of the devil, because he yielded unto temptation.
41 Wherefore, I, the Lord God, caused that he should be cast out from the Garden of Eden, from my presence, because of his transgression, wherein he became spiritually dead…

The atonement is what corrects and overcomes the consequences of these choices. It saves us from sin and death. It reconciles us with God and brings us back into the Holy Ghost’s sphere of influence. In Isaiah, a prophecy is made concerning how this redemption will come to all men:

3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Through the miracle of the atonement, our sins, though as scarlet, may be white as snow. It is everlasting and can cover all of us, even though it may seem we are at the furthest edge of where it can reach. We are given the gift of agency, which puts the responsibility on us to let the atonement work in our lives. When we make covenants, keep the commandments, and serve others, we are inviting the blessings of the atonement into our lives. The atonement allows us to cultivate hope. It will serve as a beacon and bring comfort. Paul beautifully describes this hope in his epistle to the Corinthians:

6 For God, who commanded the light to shine out of the darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.
8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed…
17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

The Jesuit Priest, Reverend James Martin shares how this type of hope can help transform our earthly experience:

“Some days are indeed times of great pain and some are of great joy, but most are…in between. Most are, in fact, times of waiting… Waiting to get into a good school. Waiting to meet the right person…Waiting to get a job… Waiting for life just to get better. 
But there are different kinds of waiting. There is the wait of despair. Here we know—at least we think we know—that things could never get better, that God could never do anything with our situations. This may be the kind of waiting that forced the fearful disciples to hide behind closed doors on Holy Saturday, cowering in terror…Then there is the wait of passivity, as if everything were up to “fate.” In this waiting there is no despair, but not much anticipation of anything good either. 
Finally, there is wait of the Christian, which is called hope. It is an active waiting; it knows that, even in the worst of situations, even in the darkest times, God is at work. Even if we can’t see it clearly right now. The disciples’ fear was understandable, but we, who know how the story turned out, who know that Jesus will rise from the dead, who know that God is with us, who know that nothing will be impossible for God, are called to wait in faithful hope…”

In Moroni7:41 we read:

41 And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.

But one of the most beautiful lessons the gospel teaches, is that through the Lord, we can accomplish all things. Even the unimaginable. One of my favorite stories is of Martha, Mary, and their brother, Lazarus. Jesus had received word that Lazarus was sick but by the time he had come to the family, Lazarus had been dead for two days. Mary and Martha had faith in Christ, in fact, when Marry meets him she bears a small testimony saying “If thou hadst been here, my brother had not died”. But her vision was limited. She had faith in Christ’s power, but had placed her own limits on his abilities. In John we read:

39 Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days.
40 Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldst believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?
41 Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me.
42 And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast sent me.
43 And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.
44 And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.

In this example, Christ shows the true power of the Gospel and that it can surpass mortal understanding. He declares.

25 I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
26 And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die…

            Mary had faith that Lazarus could have been healed had Christ been there, and she also had hope that he could attain life after death. But she didn’t realize that the power of God could stretch farther than that. Like Mary and the crowd of mourners, I often place limits on what I think the Lord can accomplish in my life. I have a mustard seed of faith, but hold to doubts that it can become anything more than a seedling. Oftentimes I excuse myself by saying that I am simply being realistic, but in reality, it is a lack of faith. Christ’s atonement and resurrection are evidence that nothing is impossible through his power.

I was blessed to see first-hand the changes that come through the atonement of Jesus Christ as I taught investigators and members. For the last 6 weeks of my mission, I served with a sister from Bolivia, Over time, I came to realize that she was illiterate. She could wrestle through reading a scripture out loud, but couldn’t understand what she had read. I also discovered that she had been abused and was most likely suffering from PTSD. She had severe anxiety and refused to speak up during lessons, let alone talk with people on the street. But she was one of the sweetest companions I had, and always looked for opportunities to serve. I became accustomed to our routines and accepted as fact that I would do all the talking, tracting and teaching till I finished my mission. On my last night as a missionary, we hurried toward the chapel for a baptism. I was so happy and distracted, I hardly noticed my companion slow her pace. Her face beamed as she spoke with a woman who was walking just behind us. She gave her name, and that she was a representative of Christ, and shared her testimony. I was shocked. After hardly speaking to anyone besides me for 6 weeks, she had shared a beautiful testimony of the love that Heavenly Father has for each of us to a complete stranger. It was a humbling moment. I was so focused on our investigators and my last days in the country; I had almost missed seeing the miraculous changes that were being worked in my companion.

Each of us will have our own sojourns in the wilderness, a time of Lent and fasting and sacrifice and sorrow. But as we end Lent and celebrate Easter, I am grateful for the knowledge of the atonement, and the hope we can find in the resurrection.



Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Music for your Midweek: Billie Holiday- "Strange Fruit"

Spooked by this haunting track by Billie Holiday. This has always been a favorite, and it never fails to make me sick to my stomach.


Aren't we lucky to live in the year 2015 where things like this never happen anymore? Nothing imagined could be more terrifying than our reality.




Monday, July 13, 2015

The year the locusts ate

     On New Years eve, a few years back, I turned down all the invites for parties and Veags trips so that I could go to the shores of the Great Salt Lake. Or at least, where I thought the shore would be. I forgot that in the winter the water recedes, so those beaches are just frozen salt. I had a vision of floating a candle on the water out into that darkness. A solitary send-off to 2012. I packed my favorite mix, tin-foil to make a raft, a small votive, matches, and drove west.

     I just wanted to see how it would look. A prayer to start the new year.

Image by Charles Uibel

     It was too snowy and I remember the sky was orange from the Magna factory lights reflecting off the the clouds. I had to drive slow and worried I would get in trouble parking on the frontage road. Worried that someone would stop me. They might think I was losing it or that I was drunk or that I was high and lost my way from the EDM party underway at Saltair. And if they stopped me, what would I say? My reason for being there wasn't any more rational.  I stumbled through tall grasses and snow, and eventually realized there was no way to reach water before the midnight deadline. I stopped and crouched over the nearest friendly snowbank and burrowed out a spot for my candle. Pulled off my gloves and went through 5 matches trying to light it. When the wick finally caught, that little flickering flame seemed like the smallest sweetest thing. So fragile compared to the dark ahead of it.

     As I stood there, I felt it. Full of weight like a wave. I knew that something was going to happen in the upcoming year. It would be heavy and and difficult and I would be powerless against it.

     I don't know how many of you have felt like you had spiritual promptings, but usually they came to me like a feeling of peace, relief, and assurance. This was like that prompting, but the only comfort in it was knowing that I was so small in comparison, the only thing to do was to go through. It would not be a brave choice, it would be the only choice.

From February
    6 months later, my dad suddenly passed away.

    Last month on Father's Day was the two year anniversary of his death. I relive certain moments in my head from that time: Seeing my uncle walk into my room on the phone with me mom to tell me what happened. Watching The Bling Ring with Katie and Melinda the night of his memorial. Staring at the computer screen at work, doing absolutely nothing. I remember a lot of things. But so much of that time was lost. I couldn't do anything.

     A friend from one of my singles wards in Provo shared this scripture from Joel and her thoughts on her blog:

25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. 
26 And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.                                                                                     Joel 2:25-26


     I feel as though those moments are being restored to me. That heavy weight is slowly lifting. But the past still colors everything I do. It informs every decision that I make. I don't need to distance myself from that grief in order to believe that "there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind".

     Last December, my family went to see a children's production of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to celebrate my dad's birthday. When the play reached the part of the death of Aslan, the lights went out, and the narrator read straight from the book:

         "I hope no one who reads this book has been quite as miserable as Susan and Lucy were that night; but if you have been - if you're been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again...  
          Hours and hours seemed to go by in this dead calm, and they hardly noticed that they were getting colder and colder... The country all looked dark grey, but beyond, at the very end of the world, the sea showed pale. The sky began to turn red. They walked to and fro more times than they could count. Then at last, as they stood for a moment looking out towards the sea... the red turned to gold along the line where the sea and the sky met and very slowly up came the edge of the sun."

From our trip to Antelope Island

     Those hours.
     Those years.
     They're coming back.
     I can see it.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Around and back again


From a trip to a Panguitch for the balloon relay last weekend

The past couple months, I've been trying to keep steady and plan my next moves. I'm playing that game where I think about where I was a year ago, and how different things are now. It's one of my favorites, and usually helps me to feel encouraged. Some things are constant. So many troubles stay. But though it may look like I'm doing the same old things, I can see myself becoming a different person. It's exciting.

I found this old post from around the same time last year. It is more true than ever. While so many of the things I used to cling to for truth seem to be disintegrating in my hands, there are those precious few that remain solid. Here's to those things.

After Her Death 
I am trying to find the lesson for tomorrow. Matthew something.
Which lectionary? I have not forgotten
the Way, but a little,
the way to the Way. The trees keep whispering
peace, peace, and the birds
in the shallows are full of the
bodies of small fish and are
content. They open their wings
so easily, and fly. It is still
possible.
               I open the book
which the strange, difficult, beautiful church
has given me. To Matthew. Anywhere.
                                                               - Mary Oliver

Trying to capture the moon rise from my apartment last night


Friday, June 26, 2015

The dream that you dared to dream

Thinking about George today and wishing he was here to see all this. I guess the best way to commemorate the day is to share this video of of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "Somehwere Over the Rainbow" during the Gay Pride festival last summer. Coincidence? I'll let the rainbow behind the organ pipes speak for itself. Song starts at 18:09




Love to George.
Love to everyone.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

"Don't let them win"

Coming live at you from Sweat Lake City! Another cover for your moody summer:


We had been meaning to record it for a while, and finally got around to it Thursday. Feels apropos with everything going on the past week. Watch it and share it a few times so that we can afford air conditioning for our sweltering apartment.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

A space that only you can fill



The view from one of my favorite hidden walks behind the avenues

Some morning inspiration for your Thursday found in this New York Times article:
"Vous allez trouver votre place. You will find your place... somewhere in the world, there’s a gap shaped just like you. Once you find it, you’ll slide right in."
I know that I'm at risk of sounding like one of those girls, but I hope this is true. The article is entitled "How to Find Your Place in the World After Graduation". Well kids, I graduated from college three and a half years ago. Yesterday, I "celebrated" the 10 year anniversary of my high school graduation*. I'm ready for my ramblin' ways to come to an end.

*One of my high school classmates wrote a song about our graduation called "June 3rd," so I will never forget the first day of the rest of my life!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Hard to live without

"Into the dark or the blinding light, 
either way you can't see a thing."
- Karen Dalton




This is the first Karen Dalton song I fell in love with. It was written by Tim Hardin and covered a million times, but hers is my favorite version:


Karen Dalton released only two albums: It's So Hard to Tell Who's Going to Love You the Best and In My Own Time. Neither of which contained any original songs. She's been compared to a folk Billie Holiday or Bessie Smith. She's the best singer you never heard of. A sad soul. And truly something else.


A new alum, Remembering Mountains, is being released next week o of Karen Dalton songs, and these are her own. Her lyrics were left behind, and several artists have created them into full-fledged songs. It's beautiful. Listen to Patty Griffin's contribution here, and Sharon Van Etten's contribution here.



When my dad passed away, we had mountains of papers, books, clothes. A huge physical shadow that had to be sorted through. That's all there will be for future friends and family to know him by. There were lovely things that have become treasures, but also handfuls of caffeine pills and bottles of nasal spray. Very human. Still tender.

Everyone leaves things behind, and future generations create their own narratives of who the deceased are to fill in the gaps. Even if it's not lyrics, it could be your journal, your mementos, your messy sheets.

What will be created out of what you leave behind?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Thursday Verse: "Thanatopsis" - William Cullen Bryant

Thanatopsis

To him who, in the love of Nature, hold
Communion with her visible forms, she speaks
A various language: for his gayer hours
She has a voice of gladness, and a smile
And eloquence of beauty; and she glides
Into his darker musings, with a mild
And healing sympathy, that steals away
Their sharpness, ere he is aware. When thoughts
Of the last bitter hour come like a blight
Over they spirit, and sad images
Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall
And breathless darkness, and the narrow house
Make thee to shudder, and grow sick at the heart, --
Go forth under the open sky, and list
To Nature's teachings, while from all around--
Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--
Comes a still voice:-- yet a few days, and thee
The all-beholding sun shall see no more
In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,
Where they pale form was laid, with many tears,
Nor in the embrace of ocean, shall exist
They image, Earth, that nourished thee, shall claim
They growth, to be resolved to earth again;
And lost each human trace, surrendering up
Thine individual being, shalt thou go
To mix forever with the elements;
To be a brother to the insensible rock,
And to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain
Turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak
Shall send his roots abroad, and pierce they mold.
Yet not to thine eternal resting place
Shalt though retire alone -- nor couldst thou wish
Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down
With patriarchs of the infant world -- with kings,
The powerful of the earth -- the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulcher. The hills,
Rock-ribbed, and ancient as the sun; the vales
Stretching in pensive quietness between;
The venerable woods; rivers that move
In majesty, and the complaining brooks,
That make the meadows green; and, poured round all
Old ocean's gray and melancholy waste --
Are but the solemn decorations all
Of the great tomb of man! The golden sun.
The planets, all in infinite host of heaven,
ARe shining on the sad abodes of death,
Through the still lapse of ages. All that tread
The globe are but a handful to the tribes
That slumber in its bosom. Take the wings
Of morning, pierce the Barcan wilderness,
Or lost thyself in the continuous woods
Where rolls the Oregon and hears no sound
Save his own dashings -- yet the dead are there;
And millions in those solitudes, since first
The flight of years began, have laid them down
In their last sleep -- the dead reign there alone!
So shalt thou rest, and what if thou withdraw
In silence from the living; and no friend
Take note of they departure? All that breathe
Will share they destiny. The gay will laugh
When thou are gone, the solemn brood of care
Plod on, and each one as before shall chase
His favorite phantom; yet all these shall leave
Their mirth and their employments, and shall come
And make their bed with thee. As the long train
Of ages glides away, the sons of men --
The youth in life's green spring, and he who goes
In the full strengths of years, matron and maid,
And the sweet babe, and the gray-headed man --
All one by one be gathered to thy side,
By those, who in their turn shall follow them.

So live that when they summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan that moves
To that mysterious realm, where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach they grave
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.


- William Cullen Bryant




Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Manifestos! A Quarter-Life Crisis! and James Murphy!

"I was really a failure. 
I mean really really really... really really really really a failure... 

I was 26... and that seemed like a little too old to be doing nothing... I was so afraid of failure and looking bad, that I 
just 

didn't 

do 

anything."


If you're like me, and trying to navigate through your quarter-life-crisis, then James Murphy has some words of wisdom for you. Everything he says is spot on; I've felt exactly the same. Watch this, it's cheaper than going to a therapist:


I had no idea that this is where he came from. And it gives me a bit of hope.

Some key points that I thin need to be re-iterated:

"I wasn't trying to be another thing that I thought I was supposed to be... and I was actually rewarded for it, which was remarkable... Now I'm really hardworking effective, reliable... 
Don't worry, 
just make it, 
and put it out. 

When you lack motivation and desire and can't get anything done? Usually it's because you're doing something that's not important to you. You have few options:

1) Keep procrastinating
2) Convince yourself it's something you ultimately want
3) Drop it, and start doing what you really want

I think each of these option are valid at some point in life. It's fine to procrastinate doing the dishes, that's not a harmful thing. It's good to convince yourself that you want to study for finals, because it will ultimately lead to your betterment. But that last one, step 3, that's the scary one. To start doing what you really want. And that's how James Murphy became "hardworking, effective and reliable". He didn't start taking Adderall. He started doing what he really wanted to.

Oh yeah. Those little songs he made? Here they are:

This one is so great and funny and painful.


This one punches me in the gut.


And this one is groovy.


And now to the point. I've chatted with a few of you. We're all friends in different ways and we've accomplished a lot. We've done the right things. We graduated from school. We're working. We're responsible. Some of us are happy, and some of us aren't sure we're happy. And I think all of us feel a bit uncertain.

I've felt that way.
I'm doing good things and good work and it's fine. But frankly, it's not enough.

Last night I was chatting with a friend at our ward christmas party. We were doing "the check in" and asking each other what we were going to do next semester (Note how we have both have been done with school for 2 years, but we still think in semesters. That's part of living in Provo, I guess). She suggested posing this question to yourself:

If you get paid $100,000 a year 
to work 6 hours a day 
doing whatever you wanted, 
what would you want to do?


I'm still figuring out that answer, but I think it looks something like this. Something that combines writing and music. But not a music journalist. Something more nuanced? See, I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't need the title yet. I just need to work. Stop being lazy, which is code for: Stop being afraid.

I'm taking some scary steps. Applying for internships I'm not qualified for. Entering some small-scale writing competitions (even though I haven't really written anything since school). Trying learn more about music and learn how to play the guitar. Julia and I even a recorded a little thing and I'd love to post it for you guys AFTER asking her permission haha.

Consider this post a challenge, if you're up for it. If you could do whatever you wanted (and you can), what would you do? Still need some inspiration? Read one of my favorite Cracked articles. Note: There are some swears if you need to know.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Voy a reir, voy a bailar

So I've started my 6:00 am (!) workout routine, and one of my favorite classes to go to is Zumba. Without fail, EVERY TIME we do our cool-down to this song, I start to tear up. How embarrassing. Hopefully everyone just thinks it's sweat dripping out of my eyes or something. It's just such a great song, and I'm such a sap these days. Give it a listen:


Great, right? For those of you who don't speak Spanish, it's a seize-the-day sort of song. Here it is with English subtitles if you're into that sort of thing.

I've gone through a lot of emotions since my dad passed away. Pretty much every emotion possible. The one that has been hardest to explain, is JOY. Joy that I'm still here. That my mom, and Christian, and Jeremy are still here. Joy that I can make changes and progress. Joy that my dad is in a better place, doing what he loves, without any pain. Joy that I have a job, an education, my health, and the ability to do what I want.

I knew 2013 was going to be a big year, I just didn't know why. I spent New Years Eve by myself, reflecting on the edge of darkness at the Great Salt Lake. I knew I would need to make some changes. And after our world turned upside down in June, I knew I had to start NOW. So I'm starting to get my finances in order and build a career. Trying to break down assumptions I've lived by. Trying to be pro-active and find more ways to serve others.

You guys are a great help. You keep me in check.

Thank you for that.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

30 years and more

Today is my parents anniversary. They would have been married 30 years.



Over the past few weeks,  I've tried to remember when I last saw my dad, when I last hugged him, when we last talked. He was out of town so much, it's hard to pinpoint those exact moments. But  whenever they were, those weren't really our last moments.  I know that I will see him again. And despite the challenges we've faced, we're still a family, and we move forward.


Here's a new favorite love song I've been listening to about family. For my dad and my mom and all of us.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Just can't leave this place

I was set to end my term of service on January 25th, and dreading it. There were so many things to do: clean up my resume, apply for jobs, sell my contract...I was not excited. Plus, we were just starting to make some really positive changes at the South Franklin Community Center, and I felt like I was leaving at the worst time. When I started filling out my end-of-service paperwork, I saw that there was an option to extend service for less than a year. Perfect! My supervisor was excited to keep me for a bit longer, and it all turned out perfectly!

I get to stay here til May 3rd!

yeah boi.

They just can't get rid of me. 

We were in the news last week. Take a look!

Friday, August 17, 2012

A bit of this and that

What a week.

I moved out of my apartment and into homelessness. Well, not quite homelessness. My kind friend Meisha has been letting me stay with her, but now she has to move out, and I'm heading over to my aunt's home in Spanish Fork til the 25th.

Here are some things going on in my life:

1. All I want to do is watch this

I know. It's pretty nerdy.

2. After cruising around modcloth. I decided I need 500% more dresses in my life. Here are the ones you can buy for me:


3. You get more back then you give.
I won tickets from the Mayor's blog the other day, but passed on the tickets to Meisha since I just found out I had to go to an American Legion gathering for work. I was bummed that I was missing the show, but that quickly dissipated as I spent time with the Legionnaires. Oh man. Just being around vetrans gets me choked up. Post 13 is named after Dea Mendenhall who died in combat. His sister was there and brought her grandson, a young guy, who was the same age as her brother when he was killed. It just about broke my heart. As I get older, my appreciation for the men and women who serve our country grows stronger and stronger. It was a pretty modest affair, but I admit, I shed a few tears at the dinner.
Anyway. I got home to ask Meisha about the show, and she handed me an envelope with a card for two tickets to "Wait Until Dark" next month! I guess they won the tickets while they were at the show. Funny, right? So I will get to enjoy a show after all. 

4. I miss school super bad. Nerd Alert.

5. I think I need to move somewhere east...




7. And I really think I just need to be a wedding singer. I'm not kidding you guys. THAT IS STILL MY DREAM.

Ok. This list proves that I'm not ready to be an adult yet. How about you guys make my decisions for me, ok?




Friday, July 20, 2012

Role Model

My feeble attempt to postpone adulthood is almost over. I'm halfway through my VISTA year, which means that I need to have a plan to help me be an adult. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

Actually, that's not true. 

I would like to be either Beyonce:


Or this kid who is an awful lot like Beyonce:

But those options aren't very realistic.
Ideas?

Friday, April 20, 2012

Graduation - "Grow Till Tall"

Commencement was yesterday. I walked through the woods (literally and figuratively) to get there.


"You'll know, when it's time to go on
You'll really want to grow and grow till tall
They all, in the end, will fall"

I still want to grow.

Friday, March 23, 2012

This is just a "tribute"... get it?

I bring you this report in the late evening (early morning?) because I JUST got home from the Hunger Games. IT WAS GREAT. LUVD IT <3 A few notes:

1. In the battle between Team Peeta and Team Gale, I really think it's no contest. There is a clear winner:






I mean really. 
Those poor boys don't stand a chance. 
TEAM CINNA.

2. I love Stanley Tucci. I searched the internet high and low for that awesome theme music that played when his seat turned around for the interviews, but I couldn't find it. But I did find this video on youtube, with an equally "awesome" soundtrack. Enjoy:


3.  If I were actually in the Hunger Games, I would so not make it. Time to start building some skills, for reals. I want to be strong and fast and handy with a bow and arrow. I want to know how to set traps scurry up trees. And I especially want to learn how to braid my hair like this:


Honestly though. I wish I was as tough as Katniss. Did you know that people are creating "Hunger Games" fitness trainings? I know. Nuts. I totes want to do it. 

Did you like the movie? Did it meet your expectations? Are you going to see it again? Will you invite me to go with you?

ok

goooooooooodnight.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Project Grown-up

Oh hey.

I'm back from California, obvs. And back to real life.

So this VISTA thing I'm doing is kind of  big deal.
All the people there seem so... competent. And I feel so... not.

Everyone is assuring me that they all felt the same way. You have to battle through the first few weeks, teaching yourself what to do and relying on the kindness of others.

But I still feel a bit anxious. And it's unsettling to be able to come home, and not worry about tests, or essays, or studying. Super weird.

And I never thought I would ever work in an office; but now I'll be in one everyday. Time sheets, lunch breaks, dress codes... what are those?

Also, I'm in a new, fancy apartment (the nicest I've ever been in, for sure), with a private room and a walk-in closet and a queen size bed and a tv WITH SATELLITE. It's all very unnatural. I don't know if I like this grown-up thing.

So basically what I'm saying, is this is a lot to take in.

And I may have started tearing up when I heard the first 5 seconds of this song, simply because of the summer night sounds with crickets chirping.

And then I listened to this song, and that just made it so, so much worse.



But also better too. Songs like this usually make me feel better in a way.

So here's to the official beginning of my adulthood.
This week I will be :

  1. Starting my one-year of service with United Way
  2. Turning 25. 
  3. Freaking out on a regular basis
Cheers.



Thursday, October 6, 2011

change your hair, change your life

UH. So this was supposed to post like, a week ago. I don't know what happened. So consider this an easier versions time-traveling. This blog will serve as the DeLorean.

...

I had been feeling pretty good. My classes, though difficult, will be manageable if I stick to a strict schedule. If I work as much as possible, I won't be in too much debt. And other kids in my classes average 5 hours of sleep a night, right? There is a guy in my class who tutors 20 hours a week, is taking 27 credit hours, is in a movie, and still has a great GPA. If he can do it, I can too, right?

But then I had a mini-crisis.

So I survive all of that. I graduate, and move into the real world.
Then what?
Yesterday was the BYU career fair. You know, the one that I guess I was supposed to be preparing for these past few weeks. Competing with all those other students, trying to stand out, talking to strangers...it gave me anxiety thinking about it.
I finally mustered up the courage to just go in and take a look around. I wouldn't have to talk to anybody.

But even that was too much.

Let's get this straight.

I've never taken a class in the Tanner Building.
I haven't had any internships.
I'm not published.
I've never done research in my field(s).
I've never been awarded any grants or scholarships.

I don't own a suit.

I don't even have an up-to-date resume. Attempting to list my skills and accomplishments is embarrassing. What would my future employers think if they saw the truth? Work experience? I assume working as a nanny/ baker/custodian/grounds crew/waitress/shop girl/census enumerator is not what they would have in mind. Skills? Uh. I speak spanish. That's about all I'm qualified to do with my major. No teaching, no translating.

I felt very out of place.
Very far behind.

I left the wilkinson center in near hyper-ventilation mode. I needed to schedule an appointment with a counselor. I needed to redo my resume. I needed to take an extra certification test so my spanish is considered more "professional". My whole course of direction had to change.

I couldn't just think about making it work till graduation, I needed to think about making it in the real world.

By the time I got to my apartment, I was a nervous wreck.

I immediately started checking classes and schedules and certifications and workshops and resume builders and job postings and internships and grants and GRE test prep courses and and and and...

and then I saw something about "Dressing for success".
and then there was a link about changing your hairstyle.
and then I thought, "Hm. Maybe I should part my hair on the other side of my head?"
and then I went to the mirror and changed my hair.

and then I felt a bit better.




How did I find this video? It is golden.

Anyway. I feel better now.

Our home teacher came over to visit with us. We talked about things we have learned by listening to the prophets, going to General Conference, etc. A lot of the talks I've heard lately have been about being charitable (to others AND yourself), and being patient. We need to be anxiously engaged, but also, not run ourselves ragged. President Uchtdorf's talk at the General Relief Society broadcast definitely struck a chord. Our home teacher told us how he has to do all of this code writing and computer stuff, for hours at a time. It can be tedious and stressful. Sometimes, we just want to be done and know what's next. But then he was walking around campus, and realized that he is in a great place, BYU. He fought so hard to get here; he had to take time to enjoy the small things.

I know I have to do all these things eventually, but it's ok to just change little by little.

P.S.
I think I'm going to try parting my hair on the opposite side from now on. Even if it does feel REALLY weird.