A micro Lesson from a girl who misses school

Clearing out all my old bookmarked videos, and look what I find! Thanks to TED talks for preventinf all of my brain cells from turning into mush:

Something for Sunday: Run or Wrestle

4/9/2017

I began writing this post back in August of 2015. At the time was jumping between temp jobs my professional self as much in the air and my personal, spiritual self. I remember typing and searching while staffing the front desk at and in-between feeling good and feeling bad and in-between trying to figure everything out at once. Things had reached such a conflicted state, I was considering removing my name from the records of the church. It was tiring struggling to balance the things I believed were true and important, with the things I was supposed to believe. Much of this centered around the LDS temple and ceremonies, though it encompassed everything from gender and racial equality, to my place as Young(ish) Single Adult. At the time, I was working the front desk of a fancy design firm close to downtown, trying to hide any signs of tears when customers walked through the door.

Like so many of my real life issues, I kept this post in the "drafts" folder, hoping that continued diligence would eventually lead me to a place of peace and certainty. That didn't happen.

Here's what I was thinking about then:

*********************************************************************************

While struggling to find my place around here I studied the story of Jacob. Like most of the Old Testament, the story of Jacob leaves me feeling a bit unsettled. He is a "perfect man" with a shadily acquired birthright. I simply do not understand. But I feel for him, especially in his pleadings for deliverance and his wrestle with the angel. He fought, both literally and figuratively, so that he could obtain the blessings that were promised to him. The same is expected of us:  

"Men and women in every dispensation have had to wrestle at some point in their lives for desired blessings, greater truth, and light from God... President Brigham Young said that all of us are situated "upon the same ground," in that we must 'struggle, wrestle and strive until the Lord bursts the vail [sic] and suffers [allows] us to behold his glory, or a portion of it." And so it was with Jacob on that lonely night near the river Jabbok, when he began to wrestle with a divine visitor for a blessing — a blessing that would burst the veil and shower down on him greater light and glory from God" - "Jacob: Keeper of Covenants," March 1998

It's a subjection of will, from whom, to who... I don't know. 

But isn't there an end to any wrestle? Tired and sweaty and sore, there is a winner and a loser. Even in enduring, it is not forever, but till the "end". Eventually someone's body has to give out, and I'm afraid it's going to be mine. 

We're not alone in these struggles. We need to find each other. 

Over the past few weeks, I've kept trying to remind myself that even if I want to, I can't leave the church. I am the church, part of the body of Christ. We all are.

*********************************************************************************

And back to the now.

I spoke with my bishop at the time about some of my concerns and he was sympathetic and kind. A couple weeks later, news of the church policy changes came to light and the world dropped out from under me. Went to the temple the following Saturday and knew it might be the last time. Trudged through a failed temple recommend interview, attempts at therapy, regular meetings with the bishop, and the Book of Mormon. I stopped trying to read when I started relating with the wrong people.

It was a rough year.

I'm not sure I've reached a much different place. Still in Salt Lake at 30 years old with career prospects as plentiful as my dating prospects. (Translation: grim). But I have a temple recommend after over a year without one. Even that feels more like a concession than a victory. I'm too chicken to actually go to the temple, but if fire and brimstone comes sooner rather than later, maybe that little card will save me from some 3rd degree burns? Who knows.

Being a member of the LDS faith requires a life time of wrestling, and right now, I'm just looking for any excuse to stay in the ring. Still here, but I sure could use a time out.

Saturday Verse: "Isn't That Something" - Rumi

3/17/2017

ISN'T THAT SOMETHING 

I 

like when

the music happens like this: 

Something in His eye grabs hold of a

tambourine in

me, 

then I turn and lift a violin in someone else,

and they turn, and this turning

continues; 

it has

reached you now. Isn't that 

something?

                                                                                                     - Rumi 

April Mix: Cruel Repetition

3/25/2017

Had to skip March cause it's a bad luck month, don't you think?

1. First Rain (w/ S. Carey) - Teen Daze



2. Cost of the Cold - Joan Shelley



3. I Think I Knew (feat. Perfume Genius) - Cate Le Bon



4. Tears Dry On Their Own - Amy Winehouse



5. Jungle Waters - Sam Gellaitry



6. Everything Is Everything - Gabriel Garzón-Montano



7. Heaven's Ladder - Beck



8. 123 - Girlpool



9. Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales - Car Seat Headrest



10. Go Honey - LUWTEN



11. Dancing On My Own - Robyn



12. Lack of Emotion - Skott



13. Stone Men - Dappled Cities



14. Quarry Hymns - Land Of Talk



15. If I Knew - Bruno Mars



16. Orange Moon - Erykah Badu



NOTES:
1. A little doc if you're interested:

3. Favorite boy featured on this one. He's going to be back at it soon!

🌺 SOON 🌺 pic.twitter.com/iaBwgsV5WD

— Perfume Genius (@perfumegenius) March 7, 2017

15. The moment I fell in love with Bruno Mars even though he is a little (literally) perv (skip to 9:08)

Music for your Midweek: Procol Harum - "Whiter Shade of Pale"

3-12-2017

Learning this on the guitar this week, and it makes me cry every time. Every year I get older, I'm more and more of a baby:

And the version I grew up with:

Feeling Spent for Lent

Got extra ambitious with Lent this year, and decided to go vegan. No consuming animal products. No meat, fish, chicken, dairy, eggs, pork, cheese, honey, ice cream... basically everything good. Day one started with all optimism, but ended with this for dinner:

It was even sadder than it looks. Ramen without the spices (whats the point?), olive oil, lemon juice, and avocado. Not exactly the pinnacle of health, but that's what happens when laziness and good intentions meet. Why am I subjecting myself to this? It can be summed up in a few tired bullet points that I kept re-iterating to friends and and coworkers but seemed less important by the minute GIVE ME SOME CHEESE:

• Abstaining from animal products has been part of many Lenten traditions, specifically Eastern Orthodox, so there is a bit of a precedent

• Going vegan does not only have potentially help your health, but benefits the environment as a whole ( a guy on Bumble told me that we have all these restrictions on pollution but we practically have no restrictions limiting how much we use animals for farming/food and they are one of our biggest polluters! Guys on Bumble say a lot of things though, so take that with a grain of salt)

• It's a good practice in self-control (which I have had NONE of over the past year). I've been far too permissive, and challenges like this always encourage me to be more mindful.

• Lent is meant to be a time of fasting, abstinence and sacrifice to help sanctify us. I'm basically giving up a lot of favorite things, and some unhealthy coping mechanisms along with it. It can really only be for my good, right?

• I gained back 25 pounds I had previously lost since I started my new job last year, so it's time for some DRASTIC measures. See? It's not all holy.

Here's another article if you're like me and love getting swept up in these archaic rules. I'll be checking in daily (hopefully) to help keep me on track, so here goes!

ALSO

on Wednesdays, I used to post a song I've been thinking about. I thought this ol' thing fit the bill just fine for today:

February Mix: Heart Broke

So far, 30 feels great. I'm embracing all the growing pains and listen to this song on repeat so I can get through the Trump news cycles. It works! Still had time to make a v. special mix for your Valentines Day. For all the lover, former lovers, and future lovers out there. Get it.

1. Slow Motion - PHOX


2. Santa Fe - Beirut


3. Drug Money - Avante Black



4. Human Performance - Parquet Courts



5. There Is Nothing Left - The Drums



6. War is Over - Lowland Hum



7. Too Small For Eyes - Mothers



8. Soaker (Bonus Track) - Alex G



9. When I Am Alone - Natalie Prass & Among Savages



10. Ludivine - M83


11. Redbone - Childish Gambino


12. Your Love - Middle Kids


13. The Story - Brandi Carlile


14. Two Little Clouds - Andy Shauf


15. Cuccuruccu Paloma - Caetano Veloso



NOTES:
1. Thanks to Julia for this one.
2. I blame the inclusion of this track on the fact that I've been watching a lot of GIRLS the past couple weeks. It's embarrassing. Sorry I'm a bad feminist.
3. See above.
6. For all #resist activists who like some biblical allegories in their songs
8. Doesn't take much to make the saddest song
13. i got to see Brandi Carlile during the Sundance Film Festival while she played to a room of too-rich people and I cried during this song. Also I took a snapchat of her and she winked at me and I didn't even know!
14. Found Andy Shauf too late to see him at Sundance, but now too late to see him when he come back to Salt Lake in March. Hope I don't get tired of listening to this song 10 times every day before I go to the show.