Showing posts with label the past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the past. Show all posts

Monday, November 5, 2018

Don't miss the election

I revisited the ol' blog back in July and found this forgotten draft from before the election:

"When the election has ended, one candidate will come out victorious. But that doesn't mean their supporters or detractor will dissapear. Friends, neighbors, and strangers will still be there. Ways of thinking will still be there. Those core beliefs and issues will still need to be met, challenged, debated and considered. Our work won't end on November 8th, it should be just beginning."

At the time, I was confident of a Hilary Clinton win, and anxious to leave the sideshow of the election in the past. Opinion pieces were saying that they were ready for the election to be over so that there could be some sort of return to normalcy. Reading these old op-eds are a strange sort of time travel, and living history lessons. I hope I can learn from that past.

I was sitting in a GRE math prep class the day of the election. One kids mentioned he was winning Florida, and then more chimed in with updates, and I just started crying and had to leave. I sat at home alone, and put my wasted "I Voted" sticker on a framed print in my living room.


It's still there. It was supposed to serve as a reminder not to be complacent, but it hasn't really worked. We have a chance tomorrow to do something about it. Let's try.

Friday, December 18, 2015

A story of freindship

Things you do when you don't have friends:

From June 17, 2014



















Inspired.


Hey "friends".

I'm really good at getting free stuff. 
Click here if you want do do the same, corporate slime.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Music for your Midweek: Billie Holiday- "Strange Fruit"

Spooked by this haunting track by Billie Holiday. This has always been a favorite, and it never fails to make me sick to my stomach.


Aren't we lucky to live in the year 2015 where things like this never happen anymore? Nothing imagined could be more terrifying than our reality.




Thursday, August 13, 2015

Let's Illustrate

Fell down a rabbit hole a few days ago when I found the Flickr profile for the British Library. (Thanks random Facbook post!) Proceed with caution. Once you're in, you might spend hours browsing through the galleries like I did. How can you resist beautiful painted papers that were found on the inside of some of the books? :








Also, things get a little weird you guys. Especially in the kids section. Here are some of the favorite images I found:



























Some browsing music for you:





Monday, August 10, 2015

"Welcome to the real world"



Guess whose 10 year high school reunion is coming up? Everyday I think about, I get more and more convinced that I shouldn't go. Not all of us ended up like John Mayer, alright? (Note: He actually did go to his reunion like he said he would)

As for me, I've got no career, no husband, no car, no kids. Nothing much that I need to report. I've still got 18 days to decide if I'm going, but as for now, I'm leaning towards NO. Someone else want to fill this google survey they sent out to us for me? Any and all suggestions appreciated. Exaggeration encouraged.


    Name

    Where are you currently living?

    If you went to college after graduating, where did you go? If you finished, what was your degree in? If you did graduate school, where did you go, what did you study, when did you graduate (or will you graduate) and why did you do that to yourself?

    What is your martial status?


    Do you have any children? List their names and ages (and genders if you're into that sort of thing).
    List on those that you know of... skip those from that shady weekend in Malibu.

    If you are working, where are you currently working?
    And feel free to share any cool jobs you've had since walking down the aisle at graduation.

    Share something cool you've done that you want to brag about to people you've not seen in 10 years.
    Go on, you know you want to.

This is all so exhausting.
Anyone wanna stay home and watch Romy and Michelle with me? I'll only force you to reenact this dance scene a couple times.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Don't go home, Angelina



















A photographer found these negatives while rummaging through a box of pictures in a thrift store.
Aren't they beautiful?











You can read more about them, and the campaign to find the girls in the negatives, here.






"Stay with me, hanging around in the lost and found."


Thursday, July 30, 2015

Recap: Owen Pallett and Blonde Redhead

I wrote this up over a month ago, and never got around to posting it. Better late than never? I'll let you be the judge.

2011 was a weird year.

I spent the first third of it at Aspen Grove: running in the woods, playing house with a fake husband, and thoroughly confused about school. I spent the summer just outside DC: running on the Washington Old Dominion Trail, making no friends, and reading lots of books. I spent the last third of the year back in Provo: not running at all, watching too much Gossip Girl, and slogging through 19 credit hours in my final semester.

It was my most varied, puzzling year, a great time for a thorough introduction to Owen Pallett. His songs were as unsettled as I felt. I remember listening to Heartland while driving up Spanish Fork canyon after a Relief Society retreat. It was just like girls camp. Except I was 24, and feeling totally out of place. We had a devotional by Hillary Weeks where she talked about struggling to stand up for the important things that you believe in. Like modesty. And then they had these pedicure station set-up for "glitter toes". And duh, I got them done, but I was conflicted about it ok? I was one of the oldest ones there, and was feeling pretty odd.

I woke up early the next morning and snuck away. It was beautiful and the air was crisp. And I listened to Tryst with Mephistopheles over and over, and tying not to pay too much mind to the lyrics. Mephistopheles is the devil from Faust, the collector of damned souls. My dad always claimed he got my named me after the Gretchen character in the story who meets a tragic end. Too eerie. 

Faust and Mephistopheles Waiting for Gretchen at the Cathedral Door - Wilhelm Koller

Ever since then, Owen Pallett has maintained a special place in my heart. Each of his songs is about THE STRUGGLE and I love it, His last album is just one big tribute to existential crisis, so you know that's a good time. 

I was thrilled when I found out he would be playing the new Ogden Twilight concert series. I even opted to take an early hour-and-a-half long bus ride to make sure I didn't miss any of his set. It was worth it. The sound wasn't that great, but being reminded of all those songs was sweet enough.

Image from here
Check out In Conflict from his latest album here. Warning, it's a bit much:


And one of my fave songs from went he was known as Final Fantasy:


The headliner was Blonde Redhead. Their music is beautiful, but listening to one of their songs is the same as listening to 10 of their songs.

Image from here

This one stood out to me though. So pretty:


We hung around, hoping they would play Misery is a Butterfly, but no dice. Listen to it:



Ogden was good to us. Long live Ogden.

Monday, July 13, 2015

The year the locusts ate

     On New Years eve, a few years back, I turned down all the invites for parties and Veags trips so that I could go to the shores of the Great Salt Lake. Or at least, where I thought the shore would be. I forgot that in the winter the water recedes, so those beaches are just frozen salt. I had a vision of floating a candle on the water out into that darkness. A solitary send-off to 2012. I packed my favorite mix, tin-foil to make a raft, a small votive, matches, and drove west.

     I just wanted to see how it would look. A prayer to start the new year.

Image by Charles Uibel

     It was too snowy and I remember the sky was orange from the Magna factory lights reflecting off the the clouds. I had to drive slow and worried I would get in trouble parking on the frontage road. Worried that someone would stop me. They might think I was losing it or that I was drunk or that I was high and lost my way from the EDM party underway at Saltair. And if they stopped me, what would I say? My reason for being there wasn't any more rational.  I stumbled through tall grasses and snow, and eventually realized there was no way to reach water before the midnight deadline. I stopped and crouched over the nearest friendly snowbank and burrowed out a spot for my candle. Pulled off my gloves and went through 5 matches trying to light it. When the wick finally caught, that little flickering flame seemed like the smallest sweetest thing. So fragile compared to the dark ahead of it.

     As I stood there, I felt it. Full of weight like a wave. I knew that something was going to happen in the upcoming year. It would be heavy and and difficult and I would be powerless against it.

     I don't know how many of you have felt like you had spiritual promptings, but usually they came to me like a feeling of peace, relief, and assurance. This was like that prompting, but the only comfort in it was knowing that I was so small in comparison, the only thing to do was to go through. It would not be a brave choice, it would be the only choice.

From February
    6 months later, my dad suddenly passed away.

    Last month on Father's Day was the two year anniversary of his death. I relive certain moments in my head from that time: Seeing my uncle walk into my room on the phone with me mom to tell me what happened. Watching The Bling Ring with Katie and Melinda the night of his memorial. Staring at the computer screen at work, doing absolutely nothing. I remember a lot of things. But so much of that time was lost. I couldn't do anything.

     A friend from one of my singles wards in Provo shared this scripture from Joel and her thoughts on her blog:

25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. 
26 And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.                                                                                     Joel 2:25-26


     I feel as though those moments are being restored to me. That heavy weight is slowly lifting. But the past still colors everything I do. It informs every decision that I make. I don't need to distance myself from that grief in order to believe that "there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind".

     Last December, my family went to see a children's production of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to celebrate my dad's birthday. When the play reached the part of the death of Aslan, the lights went out, and the narrator read straight from the book:

         "I hope no one who reads this book has been quite as miserable as Susan and Lucy were that night; but if you have been - if you're been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again...  
          Hours and hours seemed to go by in this dead calm, and they hardly noticed that they were getting colder and colder... The country all looked dark grey, but beyond, at the very end of the world, the sea showed pale. The sky began to turn red. They walked to and fro more times than they could count. Then at last, as they stood for a moment looking out towards the sea... the red turned to gold along the line where the sea and the sky met and very slowly up came the edge of the sun."

From our trip to Antelope Island

     Those hours.
     Those years.
     They're coming back.
     I can see it.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Around and back again


From a trip to a Panguitch for the balloon relay last weekend

The past couple months, I've been trying to keep steady and plan my next moves. I'm playing that game where I think about where I was a year ago, and how different things are now. It's one of my favorites, and usually helps me to feel encouraged. Some things are constant. So many troubles stay. But though it may look like I'm doing the same old things, I can see myself becoming a different person. It's exciting.

I found this old post from around the same time last year. It is more true than ever. While so many of the things I used to cling to for truth seem to be disintegrating in my hands, there are those precious few that remain solid. Here's to those things.

After Her Death 
I am trying to find the lesson for tomorrow. Matthew something.
Which lectionary? I have not forgotten
the Way, but a little,
the way to the Way. The trees keep whispering
peace, peace, and the birds
in the shallows are full of the
bodies of small fish and are
content. They open their wings
so easily, and fly. It is still
possible.
               I open the book
which the strange, difficult, beautiful church
has given me. To Matthew. Anywhere.
                                                               - Mary Oliver

Trying to capture the moon rise from my apartment last night


Friday, June 26, 2015

The dream that you dared to dream

Thinking about George today and wishing he was here to see all this. I guess the best way to commemorate the day is to share this video of of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "Somehwere Over the Rainbow" during the Gay Pride festival last summer. Coincidence? I'll let the rainbow behind the organ pipes speak for itself. Song starts at 18:09




Love to George.
Love to everyone.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

"Don't let them win"

Coming live at you from Sweat Lake City! Another cover for your moody summer:


We had been meaning to record it for a while, and finally got around to it Thursday. Feels apropos with everything going on the past week. Watch it and share it a few times so that we can afford air conditioning for our sweltering apartment.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

A space that only you can fill



The view from one of my favorite hidden walks behind the avenues

Some morning inspiration for your Thursday found in this New York Times article:
"Vous allez trouver votre place. You will find your place... somewhere in the world, there’s a gap shaped just like you. Once you find it, you’ll slide right in."
I know that I'm at risk of sounding like one of those girls, but I hope this is true. The article is entitled "How to Find Your Place in the World After Graduation". Well kids, I graduated from college three and a half years ago. Yesterday, I "celebrated" the 10 year anniversary of my high school graduation*. I'm ready for my ramblin' ways to come to an end.

*One of my high school classmates wrote a song about our graduation called "June 3rd," so I will never forget the first day of the rest of my life!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Hard to live without

"Into the dark or the blinding light, 
either way you can't see a thing."
- Karen Dalton




This is the first Karen Dalton song I fell in love with. It was written by Tim Hardin and covered a million times, but hers is my favorite version:


Karen Dalton released only two albums: It's So Hard to Tell Who's Going to Love You the Best and In My Own Time. Neither of which contained any original songs. She's been compared to a folk Billie Holiday or Bessie Smith. She's the best singer you never heard of. A sad soul. And truly something else.


A new alum, Remembering Mountains, is being released next week o of Karen Dalton songs, and these are her own. Her lyrics were left behind, and several artists have created them into full-fledged songs. It's beautiful. Listen to Patty Griffin's contribution here, and Sharon Van Etten's contribution here.



When my dad passed away, we had mountains of papers, books, clothes. A huge physical shadow that had to be sorted through. That's all there will be for future friends and family to know him by. There were lovely things that have become treasures, but also handfuls of caffeine pills and bottles of nasal spray. Very human. Still tender.

Everyone leaves things behind, and future generations create their own narratives of who the deceased are to fill in the gaps. Even if it's not lyrics, it could be your journal, your mementos, your messy sheets.

What will be created out of what you leave behind?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Thursday Verse: "Thanatopsis" - William Cullen Bryant

Thanatopsis

To him who, in the love of Nature, hold
Communion with her visible forms, she speaks
A various language: for his gayer hours
She has a voice of gladness, and a smile
And eloquence of beauty; and she glides
Into his darker musings, with a mild
And healing sympathy, that steals away
Their sharpness, ere he is aware. When thoughts
Of the last bitter hour come like a blight
Over they spirit, and sad images
Of the stern agony, and shroud, and pall
And breathless darkness, and the narrow house
Make thee to shudder, and grow sick at the heart, --
Go forth under the open sky, and list
To Nature's teachings, while from all around--
Earth and her waters, and the depths of air--
Comes a still voice:-- yet a few days, and thee
The all-beholding sun shall see no more
In all his course; nor yet in the cold ground,
Where they pale form was laid, with many tears,
Nor in the embrace of ocean, shall exist
They image, Earth, that nourished thee, shall claim
They growth, to be resolved to earth again;
And lost each human trace, surrendering up
Thine individual being, shalt thou go
To mix forever with the elements;
To be a brother to the insensible rock,
And to the sluggish clod, which the rude swain
Turns with his share, and treads upon. The oak
Shall send his roots abroad, and pierce they mold.
Yet not to thine eternal resting place
Shalt though retire alone -- nor couldst thou wish
Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down
With patriarchs of the infant world -- with kings,
The powerful of the earth -- the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulcher. The hills,
Rock-ribbed, and ancient as the sun; the vales
Stretching in pensive quietness between;
The venerable woods; rivers that move
In majesty, and the complaining brooks,
That make the meadows green; and, poured round all
Old ocean's gray and melancholy waste --
Are but the solemn decorations all
Of the great tomb of man! The golden sun.
The planets, all in infinite host of heaven,
ARe shining on the sad abodes of death,
Through the still lapse of ages. All that tread
The globe are but a handful to the tribes
That slumber in its bosom. Take the wings
Of morning, pierce the Barcan wilderness,
Or lost thyself in the continuous woods
Where rolls the Oregon and hears no sound
Save his own dashings -- yet the dead are there;
And millions in those solitudes, since first
The flight of years began, have laid them down
In their last sleep -- the dead reign there alone!
So shalt thou rest, and what if thou withdraw
In silence from the living; and no friend
Take note of they departure? All that breathe
Will share they destiny. The gay will laugh
When thou are gone, the solemn brood of care
Plod on, and each one as before shall chase
His favorite phantom; yet all these shall leave
Their mirth and their employments, and shall come
And make their bed with thee. As the long train
Of ages glides away, the sons of men --
The youth in life's green spring, and he who goes
In the full strengths of years, matron and maid,
And the sweet babe, and the gray-headed man --
All one by one be gathered to thy side,
By those, who in their turn shall follow them.

So live that when they summons comes to join
The innumerable caravan that moves
To that mysterious realm, where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry slave at night,
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach they grave
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.


- William Cullen Bryant




Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Music for your Midweek: John Lennon - "Look at Me"

I've been going through all my old burned cds, deciding what to toss, and what to keep. It's been fun exploring all my old mixes. Each one is like a time machine. Here's a track that was in hey rotation during high school. That romantic, existential angst never left me:

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Manifestos! A Quarter-Life Crisis! and James Murphy!

"I was really a failure. 
I mean really really really... really really really really a failure... 

I was 26... and that seemed like a little too old to be doing nothing... I was so afraid of failure and looking bad, that I 
just 

didn't 

do 

anything."


If you're like me, and trying to navigate through your quarter-life-crisis, then James Murphy has some words of wisdom for you. Everything he says is spot on; I've felt exactly the same. Watch this, it's cheaper than going to a therapist:


I had no idea that this is where he came from. And it gives me a bit of hope.

Some key points that I thin need to be re-iterated:

"I wasn't trying to be another thing that I thought I was supposed to be... and I was actually rewarded for it, which was remarkable... Now I'm really hardworking effective, reliable... 
Don't worry, 
just make it, 
and put it out. 

When you lack motivation and desire and can't get anything done? Usually it's because you're doing something that's not important to you. You have few options:

1) Keep procrastinating
2) Convince yourself it's something you ultimately want
3) Drop it, and start doing what you really want

I think each of these option are valid at some point in life. It's fine to procrastinate doing the dishes, that's not a harmful thing. It's good to convince yourself that you want to study for finals, because it will ultimately lead to your betterment. But that last one, step 3, that's the scary one. To start doing what you really want. And that's how James Murphy became "hardworking, effective and reliable". He didn't start taking Adderall. He started doing what he really wanted to.

Oh yeah. Those little songs he made? Here they are:

This one is so great and funny and painful.


This one punches me in the gut.


And this one is groovy.


And now to the point. I've chatted with a few of you. We're all friends in different ways and we've accomplished a lot. We've done the right things. We graduated from school. We're working. We're responsible. Some of us are happy, and some of us aren't sure we're happy. And I think all of us feel a bit uncertain.

I've felt that way.
I'm doing good things and good work and it's fine. But frankly, it's not enough.

Last night I was chatting with a friend at our ward christmas party. We were doing "the check in" and asking each other what we were going to do next semester (Note how we have both have been done with school for 2 years, but we still think in semesters. That's part of living in Provo, I guess). She suggested posing this question to yourself:

If you get paid $100,000 a year 
to work 6 hours a day 
doing whatever you wanted, 
what would you want to do?


I'm still figuring out that answer, but I think it looks something like this. Something that combines writing and music. But not a music journalist. Something more nuanced? See, I'm still trying to figure it out. I don't need the title yet. I just need to work. Stop being lazy, which is code for: Stop being afraid.

I'm taking some scary steps. Applying for internships I'm not qualified for. Entering some small-scale writing competitions (even though I haven't really written anything since school). Trying learn more about music and learn how to play the guitar. Julia and I even a recorded a little thing and I'd love to post it for you guys AFTER asking her permission haha.

Consider this post a challenge, if you're up for it. If you could do whatever you wanted (and you can), what would you do? Still need some inspiration? Read one of my favorite Cracked articles. Note: There are some swears if you need to know.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Voy a reir, voy a bailar

So I've started my 6:00 am (!) workout routine, and one of my favorite classes to go to is Zumba. Without fail, EVERY TIME we do our cool-down to this song, I start to tear up. How embarrassing. Hopefully everyone just thinks it's sweat dripping out of my eyes or something. It's just such a great song, and I'm such a sap these days. Give it a listen:


Great, right? For those of you who don't speak Spanish, it's a seize-the-day sort of song. Here it is with English subtitles if you're into that sort of thing.

I've gone through a lot of emotions since my dad passed away. Pretty much every emotion possible. The one that has been hardest to explain, is JOY. Joy that I'm still here. That my mom, and Christian, and Jeremy are still here. Joy that I can make changes and progress. Joy that my dad is in a better place, doing what he loves, without any pain. Joy that I have a job, an education, my health, and the ability to do what I want.

I knew 2013 was going to be a big year, I just didn't know why. I spent New Years Eve by myself, reflecting on the edge of darkness at the Great Salt Lake. I knew I would need to make some changes. And after our world turned upside down in June, I knew I had to start NOW. So I'm starting to get my finances in order and build a career. Trying to break down assumptions I've lived by. Trying to be pro-active and find more ways to serve others.

You guys are a great help. You keep me in check.

Thank you for that.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

30 years and more

Today is my parents anniversary. They would have been married 30 years.



Over the past few weeks,  I've tried to remember when I last saw my dad, when I last hugged him, when we last talked. He was out of town so much, it's hard to pinpoint those exact moments. But  whenever they were, those weren't really our last moments.  I know that I will see him again. And despite the challenges we've faced, we're still a family, and we move forward.


Here's a new favorite love song I've been listening to about family. For my dad and my mom and all of us.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Kid Krismas

Everyone has memories of the movies they'd watch or the music they'd listen to during Christmas time. I did some searching on YouTube for some shows that we used to watch when we were little. We would record them off of the TV onto VHS, and watch them over and over. Some of those shows maintained their charm while others... not so much. 

We would watch this ALL the time. I don't have the same stamina now as I had then. Do you remember this part? 


2. "Garfield Christmas Special"
After the Claymation one, we watched the Garfield Christmas Special. For some reason, we used to think that 16:15-17:00 was reeeeeeeaaally funny. I have no idea why.


3. "Disney Christmas Sing-a-long: Twelve Days of Christmas"
Oh man. This video has some great songs on it. Here is part 1, part 2part 3, and part 4.



4. "Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger Christmas: Alpha's Magical Christmas"
So bad it's...no. It's just really, really bad. Please, just watch the first 5 minutes, and you will know what I mean.


5. "Mickey's Christmas Carol"
Disney has since blocked the video. Try to find it if you can! So charming.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Still Suspended

PHOTOGRAPH FROM SEPTEMBER 11 by Wislawa Szymborska  

They jumped from the burning floors —  
one, two, a few more,  
higher, lower.  

The photograph halted them in life,  
and now keeps them  
above the earth toward the earth.  

Each is still complete,  
with a particular face  
and blood well hidden.  

There’s enough time  
for hair to come loose,  
for keys and coins  
to fall from pockets.  

They’re still within the air’s reach,  
within the compass of places  
that have just now opened.  

I can do only two things for them —  
describe this flight  
and not add a last line.