Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Saturday Verse: "Bear Lament" - Margaret Atwood

BEAR LAMENT

You once believed if you could only
crawl inside a bear, its fat and fur,
lick with its stuffy tongue, take on
its ancient shape, its big paw
big paw big paw big paw
heavy-footed plod that keeps
the world-wide earthwork solid, this would 
save you, in a crisis. Let you enter
into its cold wise ice bear secret
house, as in old stories. In a desperate
pinch. That it would share
its furry winter dreamtime, insulate
you anyway from all the sharp and lethal
shrapnel in the air, and then the other million
cuts and words and fumes
and viruses and blades. But no, 
not anymore. I saw a bear last year,
against the sky, a white one,
rearing up with something of its former
heft. But it was thin as ribs
and growing thinner. Sniffing the brand-new
absences of rightful food
it tastes of ripped-out barren space
erased of meaning. So, scant
comfort there.
     Oh bear, what now?
And will the ground
still hold? And how
much longer?

                                                 - Margaret Atwood 

Miss you, Dad.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

A Heart Hungry Woman

I have taken advantage of task-less work days to revisit article and links I've kept in my bookmarks bar. Here's some of what I found.

A little while back, I started researching the life of my great-great-great-grandmother, Emily Dow Partridge. I had to stop my digging because it made me feel too much. I felt heart-sick for her and for myself. You can see the burdens she carries in being a wife and mother. I think there is a similar burden in not filling those roles. It's awful to feel so out of control of your own life.


from here


Our lives and challenges were different, but I feel a sense of sisterhood with her. I still can't believe that I am her descendant (though we both seem to share a similar sense of gloom. It shouldn't be too surprising). She was married to Joseph Smith, and then to Brigham Young. This is part of her story, first found here:

"...have been sick in bed for two days. Am much better today. I feel rather dispirited and a good cry might do me good. I feel quite ashamed to be known as a wife of the richest man in the territory, and yet we are so poor. I do not know why he is so loth to provide for me. My children are his children. He provides sumptuously for some of his family. If he was a poor man it would be different . . . He manifests a desire to cast me off, and I cannot ask him for anything. What his hired men will let me have I get, but it is like pulling teeth to get that sometimes. I feel very loanly tonight. I hope I do not sin in my feelings. 
Sunday. Today I’ve been thinking, thinking, thinking. My mind goes back to days gone by. And what do I find, can I find anything so pleasant that I could wish to live it over again or even to dwell upon it in thought, with any degree of satisfaction. No I cannot. My life has been like a panorama of disagreeable pictures. As I scan them over one by one, they bring no joy, and I invariably wind up with tears. I have been heart hungry all my life, always hoping against hope, until the years are nearly spent, and hope is dead for this life but bright for the next. 
And then I aske myself what great or good thing have I done that I should hope for better things in the next world, or what great trial or exploit can I recount like many others perhaps, that will bring honor and greatness. I can only sum it up in one word, and that is I am a ‘woman’. . . . 
or if that is not enough I am a ‘mother’ and still more I am, as the world calls it, ‘spiritual wife’ of early days, when public opinion was like an avalanche burying all such beneath its oppressive weight. Some will understand what it is to be a woman, mother, or an unloved ‘spiritual wife.’ 
Woman has had to bear her own burdens, and also a great portion of mans curse. She is not only expected to bear children, but she must drudge from morning untill night; and her duties as wife and mother often follow her from night until morning; and her labors never cease as long as she can place one foot before the other. I do not think that God designed that man should enjoy all the sweets of Liberty; while woman is bowed down in shackles. Liberty is sweet. As sweet to woman as to man. . . We do not wish to drag our brothers down, but we desire to raise ourselves up to his level. We have born the galling chains a very long time."

From this project

I know it would not be fair to judge my own life based on the darkest moments in my journal. But you can't deny those experiences either. I hope her life had some joyful moments. I'm astounded by her strength and perspective. The following is a poem she wrote at the time of President Brigham Young’s death:

Speak not a word to dishonor his name,
Lisp not a sound but in praise,
Close up the mouth that would sully his name
Or tarnish his honor in death.

Low in the dust he has bowed his head
His spirit has soared away
He has gone where the wicked will trouble no more 
The noble, the true and the brave.

I don't have much commentary to add to her experience. Just want to do a little part to make sure it is heard.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Film Friday

In honor of the Sundance Film Festival, here is some of my brother's best work. This is what we had to do before Vine and Snapchat, kids:


Nice shot of the ol' house

strangers on sleds

Baby brother, shreddin'

"Do it, Jer"

Squashed

yeah yeah yeah


That's all, folks.

Bonus! Click here for a scary movie.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

All day prayer



After you start losing people, you become afraid that anyone could be next.






All day I've had a prayer


     please don't die
     please don't die
     please don't die


And now I feel silly, but I'm still relieved you're here.





The original and
Frank Ocean's

Image from this sweet sad thing I found today. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Music for you Midweek: Emmylou Harris - "Calling My Children Home"

My grandma, Billie Ann, passed away early yesterday morning. She had been in the hospital, rehab, and eventually hospice care over the past month. It was a comfort to know that she was at peace, and free from pain. I visited her with my family on Monday afternoon, knowing she would not be long with us. Jeremy and I played played on the guitar and sang for her.


My mom, aunt Kristin, and grandma Billie Ann at lunch together last summer

My grandma always loved music. She's told us for years that at her funeral, she didn't want any long talks, just favorite hymns and songs. One of her requests was for us to sing "Calling My Children Home". This arrangement by Emmylou Harris is particularly lovely. I hope we can do it justice. Much love to you, grandma.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

You only live a day


          My family visited my grandmother at a care center on Sunday, where she was recovering from an emergency hospital visit. I never want to be in a care center. Even an hour long visit is too much. The sterility and fluorescent light, and cafeteria food makes my stomach turn. We talked about babies and moving and school and power of attorney. Every stage of life wrapped up in one conversation. It reminded me about how much thought is given to how we are brought into this world (water birth? epidural? c-section?) and so little thought about how we leave. A sobering thought in a sad conveyor belt of a building.

From my walking loop a couple weeks ago

          Maybe it's because people feel so helpless in the presence of death. There is so little you can control. You don't start considering it until it's right in front of you. For most of my life, my past experiences with death had been fleeting. They either left me half-sad and confused, or they didn't seem to affect me at all. I quickly brushed off any concerns or uncomfortable feelings I had. It was inconvenient for me to ponder on those things. Plus, I was young, so why should I think about them anyway?

From here


          It wasn't until I read Kazuo Ishiguro's "Never Let Me Go" that I started to think about death in any sort of real way. I realized death was the most cruel and fair thing. After my dad passed away, I was forced to look at death head on and what it meant to for me. I had to dive into those thoughts and swim around in them and I don't think I will ever get out. It's fine. Necessary even. I've mourned the loss of family and friends, as well as myself. I began to search death out, reading article after article after article. The dread you feel when you begin to contemplate everything ending, or everything never ending. It's the same feeling.

We don't talk about death, to our detriment. I recently found this excerpt from a talk given by Alan Watts that offers some insight on the subject.



         Gillian Welch our dealings with death and how it relates to the tradition of tragedy in Southern Folk music in an interview with Salon. Talking, writing, or singing about death helps make us more human, "They let us know that these things happen to people—and if they haven't happened to you, they could. And they tell you, you need to have compassion."

So, come on night

          In my death searchings, I found a syllabus for a course on "Death and the Christian Hope". My dream college course. I'm considering following through the reading list and creating my own little book club, though I think I would most likely end up the only participant. Despite all that, we need these conversations. I hope to have more of them. I believe that talking about death helps us to build a better life. After all, each one of us is a hopeless case. And isn't it beautiful?


Monday, July 13, 2015

The year the locusts ate

     On New Years eve, a few years back, I turned down all the invites for parties and Veags trips so that I could go to the shores of the Great Salt Lake. Or at least, where I thought the shore would be. I forgot that in the winter the water recedes, so those beaches are just frozen salt. I had a vision of floating a candle on the water out into that darkness. A solitary send-off to 2012. I packed my favorite mix, tin-foil to make a raft, a small votive, matches, and drove west.

     I just wanted to see how it would look. A prayer to start the new year.

Image by Charles Uibel

     It was too snowy and I remember the sky was orange from the Magna factory lights reflecting off the the clouds. I had to drive slow and worried I would get in trouble parking on the frontage road. Worried that someone would stop me. They might think I was losing it or that I was drunk or that I was high and lost my way from the EDM party underway at Saltair. And if they stopped me, what would I say? My reason for being there wasn't any more rational.  I stumbled through tall grasses and snow, and eventually realized there was no way to reach water before the midnight deadline. I stopped and crouched over the nearest friendly snowbank and burrowed out a spot for my candle. Pulled off my gloves and went through 5 matches trying to light it. When the wick finally caught, that little flickering flame seemed like the smallest sweetest thing. So fragile compared to the dark ahead of it.

     As I stood there, I felt it. Full of weight like a wave. I knew that something was going to happen in the upcoming year. It would be heavy and and difficult and I would be powerless against it.

     I don't know how many of you have felt like you had spiritual promptings, but usually they came to me like a feeling of peace, relief, and assurance. This was like that prompting, but the only comfort in it was knowing that I was so small in comparison, the only thing to do was to go through. It would not be a brave choice, it would be the only choice.

From February
    6 months later, my dad suddenly passed away.

    Last month on Father's Day was the two year anniversary of his death. I relive certain moments in my head from that time: Seeing my uncle walk into my room on the phone with me mom to tell me what happened. Watching The Bling Ring with Katie and Melinda the night of his memorial. Staring at the computer screen at work, doing absolutely nothing. I remember a lot of things. But so much of that time was lost. I couldn't do anything.

     A friend from one of my singles wards in Provo shared this scripture from Joel and her thoughts on her blog:

25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. 
26 And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.                                                                                     Joel 2:25-26


     I feel as though those moments are being restored to me. That heavy weight is slowly lifting. But the past still colors everything I do. It informs every decision that I make. I don't need to distance myself from that grief in order to believe that "there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind".

     Last December, my family went to see a children's production of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to celebrate my dad's birthday. When the play reached the part of the death of Aslan, the lights went out, and the narrator read straight from the book:

         "I hope no one who reads this book has been quite as miserable as Susan and Lucy were that night; but if you have been - if you're been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again...  
          Hours and hours seemed to go by in this dead calm, and they hardly noticed that they were getting colder and colder... The country all looked dark grey, but beyond, at the very end of the world, the sea showed pale. The sky began to turn red. They walked to and fro more times than they could count. Then at last, as they stood for a moment looking out towards the sea... the red turned to gold along the line where the sea and the sky met and very slowly up came the edge of the sun."

From our trip to Antelope Island

     Those hours.
     Those years.
     They're coming back.
     I can see it.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

"Gotta go a long way..."

Hug your dads, hug your moms, hug your friends, hug everybody.


Happy Father's Day

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Friday, May 22, 2015

Hard to live without

"Into the dark or the blinding light, 
either way you can't see a thing."
- Karen Dalton




This is the first Karen Dalton song I fell in love with. It was written by Tim Hardin and covered a million times, but hers is my favorite version:


Karen Dalton released only two albums: It's So Hard to Tell Who's Going to Love You the Best and In My Own Time. Neither of which contained any original songs. She's been compared to a folk Billie Holiday or Bessie Smith. She's the best singer you never heard of. A sad soul. And truly something else.


A new alum, Remembering Mountains, is being released next week o of Karen Dalton songs, and these are her own. Her lyrics were left behind, and several artists have created them into full-fledged songs. It's beautiful. Listen to Patty Griffin's contribution here, and Sharon Van Etten's contribution here.



When my dad passed away, we had mountains of papers, books, clothes. A huge physical shadow that had to be sorted through. That's all there will be for future friends and family to know him by. There were lovely things that have become treasures, but also handfuls of caffeine pills and bottles of nasal spray. Very human. Still tender.

Everyone leaves things behind, and future generations create their own narratives of who the deceased are to fill in the gaps. Even if it's not lyrics, it could be your journal, your mementos, your messy sheets.

What will be created out of what you leave behind?

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Music for your Midweek: "Silent Night"

Hope you all have a Happy Christmas tomorrow. Here's something a little jazzy to get your holidays started:



I'm reading Chet Baker's biography right now. Heartbreaking.

And one in German, for my dad:

Monday, November 24, 2014

A time to weep, and a time to laugh

Last week, I went to George Parkinson's funeral. I had seen him just a week earlier, and couldn't reconcile our recent conversations with the fact that he was gone. It's still hard for me to wrap my head around.

4th of July, 2013
It's hard to know where to begin with George. He was unequivocally himself. He was creative, and talented, and funny. We bonded early over our shared love of music. He first remembered me because I told our second grade class that my favorite band was Ace of Base. I first remembered him because he taught me how to suck the helium out of balloons and sing the munchkin song from Wizard of Oz. He jumped at any opportunity to share his talents, something that I hope to emulate. I wish that everyone could know him.

Campfire at George's, September 2012

The events of the past couple weeks have thrown me back in time.

I've relived my last moments with George in my head a thousand times.

I've pored through photos and videos, reminiscing over the past 20 years of friendship.

I've felt the familiar pangs of grief and mourned again for the loss of my dad.

Death is senseless. Even with a belief in a creator, it feels cruel. I'm trying to stretch my vision into something more eternal, but my perspective is still constrained. Despite that, I've been able to find moments of peace. I am blessed by kind, thoughtful friends with patient ears.

A moment from this weekend's escape at Jacob Lake
I know from experience that I will always miss George. That pain won't lessen with time; his loss will always be felt. There is little I can do, but honor his memory by trying to be more like him. I hope to make some major course corrections, and live my life with same passion that George did. My dear friend Linds has been sharing words of comfort and encouragement with us. I especially love this quote from one of the articles she passed along:
"Our Heavenly Father ... knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were--better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before." 
- Thomas S. Monson

Sending love to George, and love to you all.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Thursday Verse: "My First View of Western Prairie" - Eliza R. Snow

My First View of a Western Prairie

The loveliness of Nature always did
Delight me. In the days of childhood, when
My young light heart, in all the buoyancy
Of its own bright imagination's spell,
Beat in accordant consonance to all
For which it cherish'd an affinity,
The summer glory of the landscape rous'd
Within my breast a princely feeling.
Time's Obliterating strokes cannot erase
The impulse, with my being interwove;
And oftentimes, in the fond ecstacy
Of youth's effervescence, I've gaz'd
Upon the richly variegated fields,
Which most emphatically spoke the praise
Of Nature, and the Cultivator's skill.

But when I heard the western trav'ller paint
The splendid beauties of the far-off West;
Where Nature's pastures, rich and amply broad,
Waving in full abundance, seem to mock
The agriculturists of eastern soil;
I grew incredulous that Nature's dress
Should be so rich, and so domestic, and
So beautiful, without the touch of Art;
And thought the picture fancifully wrought.

Yet, in the process of revolving scenes,
I left the place of childhood and of youth;
And as I journey'd t'ward the setting sun,
As if awaking from a nightly dream,
Into a scenery grand and strangely new,
I almost thought myself transported back
Upon the retrograding wheel of time,
To days and scenes when Greece presided o'er
The destinies of earth; and when she shone
Like her ador'd Apollo; without one
Tall rival in the field of Literature;
And fancied then myself as standing on
That towering mount of truly classic fame
That overlooks the rich, the fertile, and
The far-extended vales of Crissa: or
That in some wild poetic spell, of deep
Unconscious recklessness, I'd stray'd afar
Upon the flowing plains of Marathon.
But soon reflection's potent wand dispell'd
The false illusion, and I realiz'd That I was not inhaling foreign air,
Or moving in a scene emblazon'd with
The classic legends of antiquity.
O, no: the scenery around was not Enchantment.
'Twas the bright original Of those fair images and ideal forms,
Which fancy's pencil is so prompt to sketch.
Instead of treading on Ionian fields,
I stood upon Columbian soil, and in
The rich and fertile state of Illinois.

Amaz'd, I view'd until my optic nerve
Grew dull and giddy with the frenzy of
The innocent delight; and I exclaim'd,
With Sheba's queen, "One half had not been told."

But then my thought--can I describe my thoughts?
No: for description's liveliest powers grow lame,
Whenever put upon the chase of things
Of non-existence; and my thoughts had all,
Like liquid matter, melted down, and had
Become, as with a secret touch, absorb'd
In the one all-engrossing feeling of
Deep admiration, vivid and intense.
And my imagination too, for once
Acknowledg'd its own imbecility,
And cower'd down as if to hide away;
For all its powers had been too cold and dull,
Too tame and too domestic far, to draw
A parallel with the bold grandeur, and
The native beauty, of the "Western World!"

- Eliza R. Snow

Happy Pioneer Day!




Sunday, June 15, 2014

A summation of father's day, church things, and life right now

After Her Death - Mary Oliver

I am trying to find the lesson
for tomorrow. Matthew something.
Which lectionary? I have not forgotten 
the Way, but a little, 
the way to the Way. The trees keep whispering
peace, peace, and the birds
in the shallows are full of the 
bodies of small fish and are 
content. They open their wings 
so easily, and fly. It is still 
possible.
               I open the book
which the strange, difficult, beautiful church
has given me. To Matthew. Anywhere.




Tuesday, March 25, 2014

an empty space

"You die in the middle of your life. 
In the middle of a sentence."
- The Fault in Our Stars

From here.


People seem surprised when I say I'm still sad, that I'm always missing my dad. Most people have told me the same thing. Friends, and family, and church leaders tell me that those feelings will go away, it's not forever, you will find peace in your faith.

But I've found that's not necessarily true.
My experience seems to prove the opposite, if anything.

Since my dad passed away, I've read anything and everything about death. This article from the New York Times was especially helpful:
"When disasters strike we may have an immediate empathic response, but underneath we are often conditioned to believe that “normal” is where we all should be. The victims of the Boston Marathon bombings will take years to recover. Soldiers returning from war carry their battlefield experiences within. Can we, as a community, keep these people in our hearts for years? Or will we move on, expecting them to move on... Mourning, however, has no timetable. Grief is not the same for everyone. And it does not always go away. The closest one can find to a consensus about it among today’s therapists is the conviction that the healthiest way to deal with trauma is to lean into it, rather than try to keep it at bay. The reflexive rush to normal is counterproductive."
This article about stealing time was also touching. I wish I had a stolen day with my dad.

When you lose someone, they are gone. It is final. The spot they had in your life is now just an empty space. And those spaces can't be filled.

Nothing can change that.

Sweet Becky shared this quote with me soon after Christmas:
"To resolve your grief you must accept the fact: What was will never be again. You will have to give yourself permission to grieve for it. If you do not, you will never appreciate the future which may be even better or more meaningful than the past."


Monday, March 24, 2014

Recap Attack: Double bread, Double chins

My last Recap Attack was way back in December, so I have some catching up to do. I thought I had taken a bunch of great pics, but most of them are embarrassing snap chats, like this:



 You see? I don't get it, I keep trying to convince all my friends to get snap chat, but they are so resistant. Why? It is the best. It will change your life.

So anyway, here's a little sampling of what I've been up to the past few months:


visited the byu sacred gifts exhibit to commemorate my dad's birthday. it was beautiful. 

went on a winter walk with Ingrid when she was in town. can you believe this is just minutes from my house? i live in the best place, so spoiled. 

our family received one of the biggest loaves of bread I've ever seen for christmas. giant sized.


yet another reason why you should get snap chat. i'll send you photos like this on the regular.

i'd say this picture speaks for itself...

roommate fun... with glowing baby dino

turning 27 means forcing all your friends to wear pig tails at your spice girls themed birthday party.



broke my phone screen on my birthday...

went to the temple with Laura for her first time. it was lovely.

one of the hidden gems in our old, quirky house.

what my life looks like these days



i've been going on a lot of walks with my dear brother christian

i love seeing succulents in landscaping

salt lake sunset on 18th ave

new life motto



Friday, December 20, 2013

Happy Birthday Dad

Today my dad would have turned 55. My family and I are celebrating by going to Brick Oven for pizza (my mom worked there the whole time she and my dad were dating) and visiting the Sacred Gifts exhibit at BYU. I wish he could be here with us. Here is a great performance from the Berklee College of music:


Dad would joke that this was his song ("Oh Mike Devine" vs "Oh Night Devine"). Soooo funny. I miss his dumb jokes too.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Recap Attack: Starting the Holidaze


Here are some pics from the past month or so. I need to be better at documenting things, mostly.

Post-Friendsgiving goofing around

Knees

My brother Jeremy and I playing frisbee
in the dark after Thanksgiving dinner


One of the worst things about short hair,
is everyone can tell how you sleep
just by looking at you


Real Salt Lake Tree at Festival of Trees...
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL


DABAS girls out on the town

The beginnings of a cake I made that was really good
Stained glass and icicles at the church where my Sacred Harp group sings
Gotta start taking more pics!


Monday, December 9, 2013

A Family Reunion: Freaks and Geeks

 I've got a tumblr now. I don't even know how to link to it, I'm so new. I mostly follow people who post funny gifs from The Mindy Project and scans from old Delia's catalogs. I'm also inadvertently learning more than I ever wanted to know about One Direction. But every once and a while, I come across a gem, like these pics from a Vanity Fair Photo shoot: 

Look at Sammy Sam all grown up!

Um Jason Schwartzman?!? I totally forgot he was in that show for a second.
But where's Shia Labeouf? And Ben Foster?

I love these people.
If you haven't watched Freaks and Geeks yet, repent now.
It's all on Netflix. 
Just 18 episodes. 
Each one is golden.
Consider is my Christmas gift to you.


Monday, December 2, 2013

A December to Remember

Here it is! DECEMBER

My mom and I were chatting over the holidays, and we both recognize that this Christmas is going to be pretty weepy. So I've tried to jam-pack my month with fun stuff, and make the most of the season. To kick things off, here is a Christmas song with my favorite people. Julian is too cool.


and here's the original if you don't get what all the fuss is about:


OMG Jimmy Fallon messing up on the Casio. 
I'm dying. 
He's darling.