A Poem for Thursday: "Bluebird" - Charles Bukowski

Have a listen:

there's a bluebird in my heart that

wants to get out

but I'm too tough for him, 

I say, stay in there, I'm not going

to let anybody see 

you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that 

wants to get out

but I pour whiskey on him and inhale

cigarette smoke

and the whores and the bartenders

and the grocery clerks

never know that

he's 

in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that

wants to get out

but I'm too tough for him,

I say,

stay down, do you want to mess

me up?

you want to screw up the 

works

you want to blow my book sales in

Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that 

wants to get out

but I'm too clever, I only let him out 

at night sometimes

when everybody's asleep.

I say, I know that you're there,

so don't be

sad.

then I put him back,

but he's singing a little

in there, I haven't quite let him

die

and we sleep together like

that

with our

secret pact

and it's nice enough to

make a man

weep, but I don't

weep, do

you?

- Charles Bukowski

My story's infinite
like the Longines Symphonette
it doesn't rest

Music for your Midweek: Nous Non Plus

Here is something that you didn't even know you wanted. A french cover of the The Unicorns' Tuff Ghost.

hahahahahahahahahah

I don't know much about this band, but I like their style.

please make me a classy old lady

I'm becoming re-obsessedwith perfume. I just love it. 

It feels like I've been sick for half of forever, which means all of my senses have been on hiatus. I'm finally starting to feel better, and have made all sorts of resolutions to NEVER GET SICK AGAIN and to ONLY EAT ORGANIC FOODS and to WASH MY HANDS 500 TIMES A DAY. Being sick is the worst. Especially when you can't smell or taste or breathe... 

But now I'm finally getting better! 

Last week I stopped by Nordstrom and and the perfume consultant was so cool and friendly and loaded us up with samples. I couldn't wait to be able to smell again and try them out. Talking with the consultant helped me pinpoint what I really like, and she led me to some cool perfumes by Bond No. 9 and Dyptyque. 

And look what I found! These guys did a performance piece by creating an "Everything" perfume. Supercool.

I want to own all the smells in the world!

Anyway.

Most days, I want to smell like a classy lady. And when I say "lady," I mean Dowager Countess.

Honestly. A lot of the scents I've been drawn to lately have been sort of old-fashioned, a little powdery. Here are a few of them. Try them out and let me know what you think:

I got this as a deluxe sample from Sephora, and I am very pleased! I didn't like the initial notes, but they dry down was just lovely and delicious and warm. It's hard to get scents to smell "warm" on my skin, they always seem to go a little "sour" or something. This made me feel grown up, and it might be too mature smelling for me, but I like it. I also really want to try the rose one, but I'm already betting I may not like it. I prefer my rose scents to be fresh, paired with something green and earthy. Sometimes modern. I used to wear Stella after all. L'Essence sounds nice too... I just want all of them!

I got this in rollerball form, purely by chance, and I really like it. It's actually not old-ladyish at all. It's more fruity, also has amber. More mainstream? I don't know. Isn't its name so silly? And the bottle super silly? But I would LOVE how it would look on my makeup table. It's so great.

I love this bottlllllllleeeeee. I just wish I loved the perfume more. Every time I looked through Vogue, I was always drawn to the Bottega adverts. So classy, but still interesting. Some of those pages I'd kept for years. So I'm more drawn to the image and idea of this perfume than the actual juice. Unlike Balenciaga, I actually prefer the first notes to the lingering scent. The dry-down is just inoffensive. Plain and pleasant. Nice, but sort of BORING. I'm wearing it now, and it's fine enough, but not enough to invest in. hmmmmmm

I'm just going to switch between these three for the next few days, and see how I feel. Isn't perfume just so fun?

YOU ARE:

I've been really into myself lately.

hahahahahahahaha

But really. 

It all started when I found this:

Then I started reading into personality tests. I've taken quite a few. We needed to take this colors test as part of work (I'm a majority green, secondary gold). I even paid 10 bucks to take the "official" version of the enneagram personality test. This is what I got: 

free enneagram test

Yeah. The results were pretty accurate, and it made me kind of sad.

"The overall direction of their personalities therefore is inward, toward increasing self-absorption, because Fours feel that they are different from other people, and they want to know why they feel this way. Ironically, however, they try to find their place in life by withdrawing from it so they can trace the labyrinth of their emotions. But the result of their withdrawal is that even average Fours have noticeable difficulties coping with life, while unhealthy Fours have some of the most severe emotional difficulties of all the personality types."

Yikes. 

Later on in the description, it talks about healthy and unhealthy fours. Hopefully I'm one of the "healthy" fours? I better be, because apparently people with my personality type often fall victim to addiction, depressive thoughts, and suicide... not so great. But it also provides advice about how you can work through your personality to reach your full potential. I like that.

It reminded me of this scripture in D&C 46: 

11 For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God.

12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.

13 To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world. 

14 To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful.

15 And again, to some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know the differences of administration, as it will be pleasing unto the same Lord, according as the Lord will, suiting his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men. 

16 And again, to some it is given by the Holy ghost to know the differences of the administration, as it will be pleasing unto the same Lord, according as the Lord will, suiting his mercies according to the conditions fo the children of men. 

17 And again, verily I say unto you, to some is given, by the Spirit of God, the word of wisdom. 

18. To another is given the word of knowledge, that all may be taught to be wise and to have knowledge. 

19 And again, to some it is given to have faith to be healed;

20 And to others it is given to have faith to heal.

21 And again, to some is given the working of miracles;

22 And to others it is given to prophesy;

23 And to others the discerning of spirits.

24 And again, it is given to some to speak with tongues;

25 And to another is given the interpretation of tongues.

26 And all these gifts come from God, for the benefit of the children of God.

Instead of thinking of my personality as lacking or flawed, I'm trying to understand my personality traits as gifts. It's the way I utilize them that can make them "good" or "bad". I can choose to develop my talents, gifts and personality by recognizing my inclinations, and tuning them to the Lord.

That makes it all seem much more hopeful.

"Where faith operates..."

This week, (being prompted after reading this blog post) I finally got around to listening to Doug Fabrizio's interview with the authors of The God Who Weeps. You can listen to the interview yourself here. I gave it to my mom for her birthday. If I'm lucky, maybe she'll let me borrow it sometime :)

"The call to faith, in this light, is not some test of a coy god, waiting to see if we “get it right.” It is the only summons, issued under the only conditions, which can allow us fully to reveal who we are, what we most love, and what we most devoutly desire. Without constraint, without any form of mental compulsion, the act of belief becomes the freest possible projection of what resides in our hearts. Like the poet’s image of a church bell that only reveals its latent music when struck, or a dragonfly that only flames forth its beauty in flight, so does the content of a human heart lie buried until action calls it forth. The greatest act of self-revelation occurs when we choose what we will believe, in that space of freedom that exists between knowing that a thing is, and knowing that a thing is not.

This is the realm where faith operates, and when faith is a freely chosen gesture, it expresses something essential about the self. For we do indeed create gods after our own image—or potential image. And that is an activity endowed with incalculable moral meaning. If we linger in indecision...we will not perish. We will simply miss an opportunity to act decisively in the absence of certainty, and show that our fear of error is greater than our love of truth."

I hope I get to read it soon! I've been needing some spiritual lifting. It's good to have a fast sunday to help me get started. 

What's happening to me???

holding back tears...

OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME 

I'M A SOBBING MESS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Golly guys. In this past year, I've really gained a soft spot for some of our more "senior" citizens. They get so little respect, and are often counted out. But they are usually among the first to offer service and concern. And I'm sure all y'all have seen this video already. Gets me every time.

WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSEEEEELLLFFF?????? gotta stop.

A Poem for Thursday: "Late Fragment" - Raymond Carver

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself 

beloved on the earth.