"Reluctance" - Robert Frost

RELUCTANCE

Out through the fields and the woods
     And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
     And looked at the world, and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
     And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the ground,
     Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
      And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
     When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
     No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
     The flowers of the witch hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
     But the feet question "Whither?"

Ah, when to the heart of man
     Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
     To yield with the grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
     Of a love or a season?

"Warning" - Robert Frost

WARNING

The day will come when you will cease to know, 

     The heart will cease to tell you; sadder yet,

Tho you say o'er and o'er what once you knew,

     You will forget, you will forget.

There is no memory for what is true,

     The heart once silent. Well may you regret,

Cry out upon it, that you have known all

     But to forget, but to forget.

Blame no one but yourself for this, lost soul!

     I feared it would be so that day we met

Long since, and you were changed. And I said then,

     He will forget, he will forget. 

Unprepared.

I will be living in a boring airport hotel the next three days, far from anything cool. I am woefully unprepared.

THINGS I FORGOT TO BRING

1. Laptop
2. Journal
3. Planner
4. iPod
5. Headphones
6. Sports bra
7. Pajamas
8. Piles o' cash
9. Camera
10. Sweatshirt
11. Shampoo
12. Conditioner
13. Flip flops
14. Glasses
15. Contact solution
16. Bobby pins
17. My Book of Mormon Study Guide
18. Dental floss
19. Blow-dryer
20. Straightener
21. Tweezers
22. The January issue of Vogue that I was saving with the express intent of reading it while on this trip

THINGS THAT I REMEMBERED TO BRING

1. Like, 10 bajillion shirts
2. 3 library books

I guess it could be worse? 

What is a ..."weekend"?

So poetry has been moved to Thursdays from now on.
Partly because I never know what to post on Thursdays, and partly because I just had to share these lovelies with you:

And we love him.

Of course, I've been watching Downton Abbey every Sunday.
Of course, it's torture waiting for the next episodes.
Of course, I died when this happened.

In other news, leaving for L.A. this morning! Wish me well!

Classics Glassics

In case you're wondering, "glassics" is the way my dad prefers to doubly pluralize "glasses". I don't know. Anyway. I've jumped on the Warby Parker boat, and finally received my five frames in the mail yesterday! Wanna check 'em out? Of course you do! I took great pains to select glasses that were not too trendy (minimum metal detailing, moderate size) while not picking something absolutely boring. I'm not sure if it was a total victory. Let me know what you think!

1. Leigh

2. Finn

3. Zagg

4. Sibley

5. Reece

Hm.
When you see them all together like that, they don't look so different.
Leigh is too small for my face. Finn is too small for my face and too girly. I like Zagg but I think they are too dark and shiny. Makes them seem too trendy, I think. Sibley looked alright, but a little boring. I think the color of Reece are most complimentary, but the shape is a little dull.

So I'm stuck. Do you think they'll send me another set?

Gosh.

This blog just keeps getting more and more vain.
How can you stand it?

I'm just trying to be cool, guys. 

It doesn't come naturally to me.

Fun with O.C.D.

One of the best things about living at home is getting to spend tons of time with Christian.

My smile is awkward because I was desperately trying to get Christian to smile for the photo. No easy task.

I've become more immersed in Christian's world since I've come back home. His way of thinking, his priorities, his habits. We go to the gym together every morning. He proudly announces his calories burned after his hour on the treadmill. He is a good example.

Christian has O.C.D. Which means spaces in our house often have set-ups like this:

welcome to our world

Some of my friends say, "Oh, I'm so O.C.D. about this." No you're not. You WISH you had the dedication required to earn that label. You probably have neither the stamina nor patience to stick to your irrational beliefs. You've never eaten 12 bowels of cereal at a church YSA dinner because that number is "better". You've never threatened to hold your breath in protest because your older sister changed the picture settings on the TV. You've never drawn rows upon rows of little dots so that you could see what a thousand looks like. Christian has.Y'all are just frontin'.

Most of these obsessions are like a curse; but sometimes I think his dedication leads to interesting insights. For example, Christian's world, or the way he thinks the world should be, is just and fair. He had interesting opinions about Wikipedia's protest today (he uses Wikipedia daily). Christian has also been interested in divisions of time and space. So this book was a perfect Christmas gift for him:

Powers of ten - Charles Eames

Christian was excited to hear that this book was actually based on a short film that I watched in every science class I ever took. You may remember it:

Which then led us to this:

Isn't it great? I can't think about space and molecules for too long. It blows my mind. I tried to listen to Science Friday on NPR last week. Really fascinating stuff. I must admit, kind of went over my head, but cool none-the-less.

Thank goodness for Lawrence Krauss, my brother Christian, and other deep thinkers for tackling life's big questions so that I can spend more time looking up all the variations of "Sh*t _______ say". I guess the trend is over, but this one is pretty great:

And have you seen the Mormon one? That Stephen Jones, what a jokester.

"The Bonfire" - Robert Frost

"A nation that continues year after year to spend more on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom"

                                                                        - Martin Luther King Jr. 

THE BONFIRE

“Oh, let’s go up the hill and scare ourselves,
As reckless as the best of them to-night,
By setting fire to all the brush we piled
With pitchy hands to wait for rain or snow.
Oh, let’s not wait for rain to make it safe.	5
The pile is ours: we dragged it bough on bough
Down dark converging paths between the pines.
Let’s not care what we do with it to-night.
Divide it? No! But burn it as one pile
The way we piled it. And let’s be the talk	10
Of people brought to windows by a light
Thrown from somewhere against their wall-paper.
Rouse them all, both the free and not so free
With saying what they’d like to do to us
For what they’d better wait till we have done.	15
Let’s all but bring to life this old volcano,
If that is what the mountain ever was—
And scare ourselves. Let wild fire loose we will….”
“And scare you too?” the children said together.
“Why wouldn’t it scare me to have a fire	20
Begin in smudge with ropy smoke and know
That still, if I repent, I may recall it,
But in a moment not: a little spurt
Of burning fatness, and then nothing but
The fire itself can put it out, and that	25
By burning out, and before it burns out
It will have roared first and mixed sparks with stars,
And sweeping round it with a flaming sword,
Made the dim trees stand back in wider circle—
Done so much and I know not how much more	30
I mean it shall not do if I can bind it.
Well if it doesn’t with its draft bring on
A wind to blow in earnest from some quarter,
As once it did with me upon an April.
The breezes were so spent with winter blowing	35
They seemed to fail the bluebirds under them
Short of the perch their languid flight was toward;
And my flame made a pinnacle to heaven
As I walked once round it in possession.
But the wind out of doors—you know the saying.	40
There came a gust. You used to think the trees
Made wind by fanning since you never knew
It blow but that you saw the trees in motion.
Something or someone watching made that gust.
It put the flame tip-down and dabbed the grass	45
Of over-winter with the least tip-touch
Your tongue gives salt or sugar in your hand.
The place it reached to blackened instantly.
The black was all there was by day-light,
That and the merest curl of cigarette smoke—	50
And a flame slender as the hepaticas,
Blood-root, and violets so soon to be now.
But the black spread like black death on the ground,
And I think the sky darkened with a cloud
Like winter and evening coming on together.	55
There were enough things to be thought of then.
Where the field stretches toward the north
And setting sun to Hyla brook, I gave it
To flames without twice thinking, where it verges
Upon the road, to flames too, though in fear	60
They might find fuel there, in withered brake,
Grass its full length, old silver golden-rod,
And alder and grape vine entanglement,
To leap the dusty deadline. For my own
I took what front there was beside. I knelt	65
And thrust hands in and held my face away.
Fight such a fire by rubbing not by beating.
A board is the best weapon if you have it.
I had my coat. And oh, I knew, I knew,
And said out loud, I couldn’t bide the smother	70
And heat so close in; but the thought of all
The woods and town on fire by me, and all
The town turned out to fight for me—that held me.
I trusted the brook barrier, but feared
The road would fail; and on that side the fire	75
Died not without a noise of crackling wood—
Of something more than tinder-grass and weed—
That brought me to my feet to hold it back
By leaning back myself, as if the reins
Were round my neck and I was at the plough.	80
I won! But I’m sure no one ever spread
Another color over a tenth the space
That I spread coal-black over in the time
It took me. Neighbors coming home from town
Couldn’t believe that so much black had come there	85
While they had backs turned, that it hadn’t been there
When they had passed an hour or so before
Going the other way and they not seen it.
They looked about for someone to have done it.
But there was no one. I was somewhere wondering	90
Where all my weariness had gone and why
I walked so light on air in heavy shoes
In spite of a scorched Fourth-of-July feeling.
Why wouldn’t I be scared remembering that?”
“If it scares you, what will it do to us?”	95
“Scare you. But if you shrink from being scared,
What would you say to war if it should come?
That’s what for reasons I should like to know—
If you can comfort me by any answer.”
“Oh, but war’s not for children—it’s for men.”	100
“Now we are digging almost down to China.
My dears, my dears, you thought that—we all thought it.
So your mistake was ours. Haven’t you heard, though,
About the ships where war has found them out
At sea, about the towns where war has come	105
Through opening clouds at night with droning speed
Further o’erhead than all but stars and angels,—
And children in the ships and in the towns?
Haven’t you heard what we have lived to learn?
Nothing so new—something we had forgotten:	110
War is for everyone, for children too.
I wasn’t going to tell you and I mustn’t.
The best way is to come up hill with me
And have our fire and laugh and be afraid.”

Friday the 13th: Hobo with a shotgun

I hope you had a good Friday the 13th! Mine was fab.

It's late.

I got home from catering a bit ago, which reminded me of catering last week. Let me explain.

Christian only eats things in certain number. His daily, morning routine takes 2 hours. His belongings, (and even his thoughts) have to be perfectly in order and symmetrical. It can be exhausting for us; even more so for him. Living at home with my brother who is diagnosed with OCD helps me realize the "obsessions" and rituals I've created in my own life. While I hardly face the same challenges he does, remember those things helps me relate.

This usually happens when it's dark and late and I'm generally by myself. 

Example: When I head to my room late at night, I make myself do "something" for 10, 15, or 20 seconds while I walk up the stairs. The "thing" I do could be holding a glass of water against my chin, dragging  my index finger and pinky along the banister, holding onto my earlobe, etc. Usually, it requires holding my body in the same general position till I reach the top of the stairs/my room/the light. If I don't do this, something "unfortunate" would happen. It's kind of like making a bet with myself. If I complete those "bets", it assures my safety.

Which brings me to catering last week. When I'm also alone and super nervous, I picture the scariest/worst things I can think of. The rational in my head is that if I imagine it happening, then it won't happen. Horrible things only happen when You least expect them. But last week, it got out of control. I was coming home from a dinner with a van full of dirty dishes and things to be sorted. I thought that people would be at the shop when I got there, but I was all alone. The shop is close to the Provo river, and sort of isolate. I was ready to be freaked out. So I started thinking of the scariest things for example:

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

What? That doesn't sound scary to you? It actually sounds comical? Oh. You are so wrong.

This movie came out at Sundance last year. I didn't see it of course; I imagine it's really bloody and awful. But when I was in the shop late that night, I kept imagining a hobo with a shotgun, creeping around the corner. 

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN THE KITCHEN

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN THE HALL

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN THE BATHROOM

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN THE BATHROOM STALL

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN THE FRIDGE

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN THE WALK-ON FREEZER

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...WAITING OUTSIDE THE DOOR

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN THE DARK

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...UNDER MY CAR

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...IN MY BACKSEAT

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN 

...RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!

This is what I was thinking over and over. Now are you scared? Now do you know how I feel?

Usually when I get too scared, I try to think of this: 

Makes it all better. 

SIMPLE SONG

OMGOMGOMGOMG

IT'S HAPPENING, FINALLY.

This video is VEVO so it may not work, but it's worth the jump to hear this sooooooonnnnnngggggg. Yay highschooooooooollllllll!!!!

Narwhal

Dear narwhal,
     I have a hard time believing that you exist. I'm really trying.
                                                                               Sincerely,
                                                                                               Gretchen

Yeah, even a video down't completely convince me. I'm not alone in doubting their existence. ADruggedHobo agrees with me:

Seriously. How do they exist?

Ginger-ed

Guess who finally got brave enough to dye their hair red?

Yep.

Me.

Reactions have been mixed. My brother, Christian, literally grimaced. "It will wash out, right?" he said. That doesn't really inspire confidence. But a lot of people said it looked alright. 

When you drastically change your hair, you're allowed to be a little vain.

OK

Maybe A LOT vain.

But that vanity quickly disintegrates into this:

I was trying to perfect my cross-eyed look, 

but I somehow managed to create something better.

And then I tried out those photo-booth effects that everyone was so fond of in 2005

Awesome.

I can see that red hair is already helping me reach my full creative potential.

"Into my own" - Robert Frost

I'm going to start sharing bits of poetry at the start of the week. For the rest of winter, it will be Robert Frost (get it? Frost? Winter? hahahaha). Hopefully the poems I pick won't be too much on the gloomy side. If you have any poetry suggestions, I would like to hear them. I'm a novice at this sort of thing, but I'll read through any book you give me. So here is the first go. I would love to here your comments as well.

Listen

INTO MY OWN

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,

So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,

Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,

But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be witheld but that some day

Into their vastness I should steal away,

Fearless of ever finding open land,

Or highway where the slow wheel pours the

     sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him

     they knew---

Only more sure of all I thought was true.

Resolutions 2012

Today was Fast Sunday, so I'm just going to pretend that it is also the first day of the year as well. Here are my resolutions!

1. Put myself first

When I'm out-on-the-town/busting-a-move/at-the-singles-ward-"break-the-fast", I'm not going to try and be like the cool kids anymore. I won't dress like them, I won't act nonchalant and aloof (or conversely out-of-control and raunchy).  I won't act one way, simply because it's expected of me. I will wash my hair more (this is a real problem). I will wear more makeup when I need to, and less when I don't need to. I will do what I'm supposed to even if it seems a) boring, b) difficult, c) exhausting, d) potentially embarrassing because this is no time to be a wuss.

 2. Put others first

When I start to judge other people, I will stop. I will recognize that we face similar problems but deal with them in different ways. I will text/call/e-mail/talk to people more. I pick meeting new people over a Gossip Girl marathon. I will find ways to serve people instead of looking for new music. I will spend time with my family instead of spending time with my laptop. I used to regularly pick art, books, tv, movies, music...everything over people. But now, I will try and be more like Lucy from A Room With a View: "...you may understand beautiful things [sad she to her one-time fiance]... but you don't know how to use them; and you wrap yourself up in art and books and music; and would try to wrap me up. I won't be stifled, not by the most glorious music, for people are more glorious".

3. Put the Lord first

I will start and end the day in prayer. I will go to the temple more. I've always had a hard time with regular scripture study. Reading schedules never really fit. So now I'm just going to focus on studying lessons for Sunday School. A novel thought! I'll regularly record my testimony in my journal. 

At first glance, it may seem like these goals are in competition with each other, but really, they compliment each other. Succeeding in one will help me succeed in the others. What are your resolutions?

January Mix: Set the World on Fire

First post of 2012. Sorry it's late; this new year has been busy so far. Books are being read, stuff is being organized, crafts are being crafted, muscles are being strained. Jolly good fun. Instead of attempting to recap what I did for New Years, I'll just show you this video.



I was not a mere observer this time, but a full fledged participant. But don't worry, I didn't shoot roman candles directly at anybody.

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. - Robert Frost

New Years Eve 2012 mix: Set the World on Fire

1. I love NYE - Badly Drawn Boy
2. Happy New Year - We Are the City
3. The Chase Is On - Hoodie Allen
4. What You Know (Feed Me Cover) - Two Door Cinema Club
5. We Found Love (feat. Calvin Harris) - Rihanna
6. United State of Pop 2011 (World Go Boom) - DJ Earworm
7. Magic (Feat. Gary Go) - The Knocks
8. Tongue Tied - Grouplove
9. Poisoned With Love - Neon Hitch
10. When I'm Bigger - Rizzle Kicks
11. Origins - Tennis
12. Don't Hang Up - The Orlons
13. Against The Grain - Hudson
14. Keep It Rollin - Y LUV
15. We Are Young (Feat. Janelle Monaé) - fun.
16. Reasons to love you - Meiko

NOTES:
3. "I could be better than I was,
lighter on my feet,
cookin' up this soul when we fire up the beat.
Light the fire underneath me,
higher when I speak
Like I'm climbin' up a steep tree.
oooo come and greet me."
Pretty good motto for 2012, don't you think?
6. BOOM
8. I heard a rumor abouts the in internets that you can/could download this track for free on iTunes? Lucky you!
10. Just in case you weren't in love with them already, click here. 
16. Special thanks to Suzy, George, and Ingrid for showing me this song.